Getting over the K-fed Syndrome

Good morning to you all. I am trying to be very good on the updating regular scheme, and getting back to all your emails and replying as much as I can. So in response to a gathering of emails that I received the other day, I'm making today "wake up romantic Tuesday". What is on today's menu? well now, you'll just have to see now won't you?

"I'm a nice guy that treats women well, and I wouldn't say I'm necessarily hideous. But can somebody explain to me why, for the sake of all nice guys, women keep dating these jerks?"

Oh boy, let me tell you. This one is tough and I get a lot of emails about it and I've written a few articles on the topic before. (They're all labeled under advice if you like). But I'll take a shot at explaining what I call the K-Fed Syndrome. Remember when Brittany spears was a symbol...and seemingly normal? Well, what the hell was it with Kevin Federline? After that I think everything went downhill from there. Anyway, I digress. K-Fed Syndrome...when a normal girl dates an asshole.

The best way to describe it is to use a story. Last week I went out to happy hour with my friend Rachel. I hadn't seen her in a while, so I didn't mind at all that she wanted to bring her boyfriend to drinks. The first thing she told me about him was "He's not as bad as he seems". Talk about an endorsement. When we walked into her apt, I saw this moderately good looking guy sitting on the couch. He rolled his eyeballs toward me, rolled them around my body, and then rolled them back toward the football game rerun on ESPN2. He reminded me of an annoying teenage boy. Throughout all of chatting and catching up, Rachel would do all these things for him, practically mother him. He complained he was hungry and when dinner was going to be. So to keep him busy while we drank our wine she brought him over a bowl of tortilla chips, salsa and chicken wings, and he responded with: "That's it?", and then eat it angrily. While it was nice to see her again, it was a pain to see her with someone like him, and the more I thought about Teenager Man on the train ride home, the more pissed off I got, because Stephanie isn't the only woman I know who gravitates towards dickweeds. I'll admit, I've been the one that has done this in the past. I have dated some people who, at the time were the apples of my eyes, but were probably not the best choice.

I used to date a rich guy, who came from a really rich family. He made sure that at least half of our conversations were about him, and how he has more talent in his little finger than anyone else we knew had in their entire body. At the time, I'm not sure he even knew what I did in my free time, or what I liked. Then there's my friend Mary, who's gorgeous, and her boyfriend seems to ogle every female in the room except her.

In all these cases, my friends have been in their relationships for so long that they don't even realize they're dating down. By this I don't mean dating a guy who's less successful- a woman could earn quadruple her guy's income and as long as he treats her well, I'm all for it. But if you've ever said what Rachel said to me recently - I just have to learn not to expect so much, emotionally- you are in danger. If you make excuses for him like I guess I wouldn't want a guy who's too romantic, and you're a romantic at heart, then you're dating down.

I've tried to understand this, and I went through all my memories of past relationships. I even asked lots of friends to get their input, and I can only say that it's the very smart, capable women who are moderately successful that date down precisely because they're used to being successful. I'll quote someone: "I just figure I can turn any bad situation around by trying harder. It's a vicious cycle: Once you date a few bad apples, you come to think that's all you can expect. You get demoralized, and that just attracts more of the wrong kind".

This is what I've got to say: no...you are not supposed to want to FIX the person that you date. Sure change is good, and it's inevitable in a couple, but stop trying to fix someone. Also, remember relationships aren't supposed to suck. They are hard, and they need constant work. But they are not supposed to downright suck. You deserve to be loved, to be paid attention to, to gaze across the room, see your boyfriend and think God, am I lucky to be with that guy, and know that he's thinking the same thing about you. If you ever feel like you're not getting that out of your relationship; that mutual happiness then it's time to get out.

As I write this one of my friends, relates to me his experience with having been the loser boyfriend. "When I was dating Alison, I still had some growing up to do. One night she was trying to talk about how our relationship might be more satisfying for both of us if we communicated better. And I actually asked her, 'Can we talk about this during the commercials? 24's on now'. I wanted the sex and the companionship that came with having a girlfriend- but not the work. I wish now that Alison had told me to go home and watch my own TV, but instead she sighed and said, 'Ok'. While my behavior was never her fault, she might have been surprised at what a good kick in the ass would have done for me. Luckily the next few women I dated gave me just that, and I shaped up considerably. That's why I say to any girl, my future girlfriend included: if you want me to be an excellent boyfriend, accept nothing less".

Now while this is all very very moving, and empowering...I encourage you all to stop before you go on a power pout. Think about what you want and what is achievable. It's great if men could become godlike, but they aren't gods...and it's unfair to want them to be. If you're with a good guy now, and say he doesn't get to see you all the time, be sure you tell him, but remember that he's trying his best probably. Decent guys will try to make improvements but they can't accomplish Herculean efforts. Sure you can always find prettier, handsomer, skinnier, sexier, wiser, richer, younger or zippier. But more often than not, one might learn the most, laugh the loudest, and smile the widest with those they've already found, especially when they stop looking elsewhere. And guys, remember the same goes for you. Follow the greatest rule: do to others, what you'd like to be done to you.

What to say (and not say) in a date

So I’ve been getting a lot of people asking me what to say and what not to say to someone that they’re interested in. I’ll be honest; it’s very difficult to tell you absolute truths with this because every single person is different. However, I was sent a suggestion from one of you asking me if this article was correct. It’s an article from the MSN homepage that says “What not to say or do in the presence of a woman”. I’ll give you my thoughts on it.

1. Don’t reveal how much your car cost. This is true for me. I may not be a mechanic, but I can tell when a car cost a lot a when a car doesn’t. If you have a nice car, you have a nice car. There’s no reason to boast about it, because frankly I don’t care. It makes you seem like you’re trying so hard to impress me with money…you may very well be, but simply showing me your expensive car is enough…and you get points for not being arrogant about it. Also, why draw attention to your car? We’re on a date with you, not with your car.

2. Don’t clean your gun. This is a half truth. On the first date, yeah it may not be such a good idea. You come off as a little bit psycho. But…if you do own a gun, be sure you tell the girl on the first date. How would you like to be really into a girl, and then she suddenly shouts “ha ha I’m a man!”. It’s not necessarily the same thing here, but what if she doesn’t like guns…she would get the same reaction. If she doesn’t mind, perhaps you could show her how to clean it on another date. Base line, just don’t do it on your first date.

3. Polish high school trophies (which you still have displayed). True.

4. Refer to your mother as your best friend. True.

5. Rap. Unless you’re at karaoke, or trying to make us laugh, true.

6. Check out our assistant/roommate/the baby-sitter. Do it without us noticing (if you must), because nothing is more annoying than trying to impress someone, when they’re too busy checking someone else out.

7. Question our footwear. True. If we are regretting our decision, don’t rub our face in it.

8. Blow-dry your hair. Meh, it’s not so bad…so long as you don’t take longer than we do.

9. Tip less than 20 percent. Most of us, at some point, have been a waitress and know what it’s like. Show some class, and be nice...unless the service was really really bad.

10. Celebrity impressions. They can be kinda grating.

11. Impressions of us. True.

12. Forget to carry cash. True.

13. Flip it, flop it, swing it around, tug on it, adjust it, scratch it, or do anything that will give us the impression that it’s just an appendage and not a mystical source of pleasure and satisfaction. True.

14. Wii. Not true. I’ve had plenty of times where this was a lot of fun. But not recommended for the frist date, and if you do show her your wii…let it be something she can do too.

15. Scream—at the dog, at the guy who just stole your parking spot, at Bill Belichick. True, no matter how much that person/thing deserves it, when we hear you raise your voice, we have an idea of what we're in for.

16. Talk about former exploits. Ever. Some girls find this true. I personally don’t care. You wouldn’t be on a date with me if you didn’t like me a little bit. So long as you don’t go into so many details. The time you’re entering the danger zone is if you start comparing me and them. Example: No- I used to date a girl that liked me to pull her hair. Yes- I used to date someone that was a vegetarian. No- My last girlfriend didn’t eat fish like you do.

17. Use the words bitch, slut, tramp, or whore. True, unless referring to another man.

18. Tell us you're going to kiss us. Not true. Women like mystery and the whole, dark and handsome stranger thing. Be a man and go for it. But if she pulls away, back off immediately and apologize. Also, remember, a kiss is a kiss…tonsil hockey is tonsil hockey…learn the difference.

The Secret to a Great Shine

I used to watch my dad all the time when he would shine his shoes in the morning. It was kind of a ritual for me. I'd fill up my bowl of cereal, walk over to the table, sit right next to him, turn on the radio to the news, and watch him shine his shoes. I loved it. I also learned a lot of tips. Even though I don't shine my own shoes (though I should), there aren't many girls out there that do. But I know a few things.

Why should you polish your shoes?
Remember how everyone says that first impressions are the most important? Well that's true, but did you also know that people absorb your entire image with your feet? Many people don't know this, but it's a subconscious thing. You could be wearing the best of the best, if your shoes look horrible, the entire image that you were wishing to present with wearing that "best" is gone. Out the window. Would you wear a dirty, wrinkled shirt to the office? No! So why would you do that with your shoes?

Polished shoes say something about a man (or woman), and studies have shown that dress and appearance has a major factor in perceived ability in the workplace. Dress and appearance is a major factor in a first impression, and that first impression is often the lasting impression. Polishing your shoes is a must when preparing for an interview!

It also saves you lots of money really, by protecting and extending the life of your shoes. Shoe polish is usually a wax or oil based product and a regular coat of polish will provide some waterproofing protection and keep dirt, oils, stains, and other substances from getting ingrained into the leather in your shoes. These things degrade the leather quality, and ultimately ruin the shoes.

Polishing also helps prevent scuffs and scrapes from ruining the leather, and can also have a moisturizing effect which also extends your shoe life. Untreated or unpolished leather shoes easily get scuffed, scraped, and will eventually dry out and crack.

Kinds of polish:
There are two kinds of shoe polish. Cream or paste, and wax. The first moisturizes fine leather and keeps it flexible. It soaks into the leather and allows it to breathe. They contain mineral oil though, which can help restore shoe color, but not a good idea for covering scuffs. Also if you touch your face afterwards, mineral oil tends to clog up pores so it can lead to break-outs.

The second kind shines leather better than cream, but often seals the leather and can cause it to dry out over time. But it is still the most effective for covering up scuffs, and giving that high shine.

Remember that there also liquid polishes out there. These put a fast shine on your shoe, but can often dry out and crack good leather.

How to polish:
I am basing this off of memory. So there may be a few missing pieces, but I'm pretty sure that I remember it exactly.

1. Wear clothes that you're not attached to.

2. lay down a layer of newspaper or a plastic garbage bag to prevent polish from getting on your work surface.

3. Brush away any dust, dirt, oils, or anything else.

4. Wipe the shoe, especially the heel and sole, with a cloth. If your shoes are really dirty, or if the shoes have stains, use a leather cleaner such as saddle soap. Ivory soap or Murphy's Oil soap also work. Apply the cleaner with a damp cloth (very little water), wipe it off and let them dry for five minutes before you start to shine them.

5. Make sure the polish matches the shoes. Neutral is the "color" for light colored shoes. Other colors may have to be matched by taking one of your shoes with you when you buy polish. Or you can ask your local shoe repairman what color is right.

6. Apply the polish with a soft, clean polishing rag; if you're really poor old socks will work fine. Wrap the corner of the cloth around your first and second fingers of your hand. Twist the remainder of the cloth to tighten the portion around your fingers and hold that part in the palm of your hand. You can also use a horsehair brush (dauber) instead of a cloth. They're available at shoe repair or drug stores. If you use a dauber, you'll need a different one for each color of polish you use. Even coffee filters can be used to apply shoe polish evenly.

7. Apply a small amount of polish in a circular motion. Pay special attention to cracks and scuffs, and be sure to cover the entire shoe. Allow the polish to dry for a few minutes before buffing the shoe. At this point, your shoe will have a very dull appearance. This is normal.

8. Next, grab your brush or a rag, and use quick light strokes to buff the polish. If you use a rag, be sure to use a thin, soft cloth and add a few drops of water, which will help in the buffing process. Another trick I've seen men use are wet cotton balls to get a mirror-like shine.

9. Liquid sole and edge dressing may be used to restore the edge of the soles

10. You should polish your shoes as needed. In between wearings, you should wipe off accumulated dust and dirt to keep them looking clean and new. You can also buff them with your shoe brush or rag to bring back the shine.

Now this is only for the "basic" shoe. Which is your office standard. For other shoes you need another way of polishing.

Cordovan shoes:
Real shell cordovan, made from horse hide, not just shoes that are burgundy color, need some special care. Neutral cream or paste polish tends to leave a white film on Cordovan leather. I would use cordovan color paste wax polish and not shoe cream. Though this is a little more expensive, it's worth it. Also beware that the shell cordovan creases are usually lighter, not darker, in color. Cordovan leather is vegetable tanned instead of the modern method of "chrome" tanning. Since cordovan leather already contains a large amount of oil/wax, the polishing requirements are different from calfskin.

1. Use a damp soft cloth for cleaning shell cordovan shoes. Do not clean cordovan shoes using saddle soap

2. Apply polish: Do not use "neutral" polish. Don't slather it on. The most common mistake in shining cordovan shoes is using too much polish. The excess polish creates a layer of build-up, which has three negative effects: a) it covers the natural beauty of the leather, b) it creates a grainy texture in the creases of the shoes, c) and the build-up of polish scuffs easily and attracts dust. To avoid these things, use only the thinnest film of polish when polishing your cordovan shoes. A Little goes a long way in this case.

3. Cordovan shoes don't need to polished as frequently. Most of the time all that you need to do is just brush and cloth them in order to remove scuffs and restore the shine. Do not attempt to clean cordovan shoes using petroleum distillates or cleaning fluids, and Do not use any spray shines or aerosol type waterproofs.

4. After the polish is applied, let it dry, then brush it off with a horsehair brush. Don't try to dry wet shell cordovan shoes with heat or a heater. Wipe them dry, and allow them to dry naturally. Do not attempt to polish shell cordovan shoes while wet. Contact with water can sometimes cause cordovan leather to form small raised areas called "welts" (tiny bumps). This is normal, and the welts will recede once the shoes are allowed to dry. Wipe the shoes dry as soon as convenient, and allow them to dry naturally.

5. wipe the final film of polish away with a soft buffing cloth. Spewing, a natural milky residue of wax will often form on new shell cordovan shoes. This is a normal residue from the tanning of the leather. Wipe it off with a soft cloth or brushing.

Here are some other ways of shoe care:
Exotic skins can be treated like calfskin, or with special conditioners that keep the leather from cracking. Take extra care when brushing to prevent scratching the surface.

Fabric shoes can be cleaned with a mild spray fabric cleaner. Let the cleaner dry to a powder and brush off the residue with a stiff brush. You can also use Woolite.

Suede can be cleaned with a clean soft brush (like a toothbrush), or you can buy special erasers called suede bars to remove stains and dirt. Raise the nap on suede by applying steam from a steam iron from about 10 inches away. Also special brass-bristle brushes are available to raise the nap after cleaning. A protective non-silicone finish (like Scotchgard) sprayed on new suede shoes will help repel water and stains.

Nubuck shoes (brushed leather similar to suede, but with a finer nap) are treated with water repellent. Use a suede bar

Patent leather can be cleaned with a damp cloth using lukewarm water and plain soap or Windex. Shine with a smooth soft cloth. Don’t get any of the fabric wet (like the ribbon bow).

Tips to remember for various conditions:
Wet shoes: If your shoes get wet, stuff them with terrycloth or paper towels, and let them dry away from direct heat at room temperature. Don’t polish your shoes while they are still wet.

Salt on shoes: Damaging white salt marks should be rinsed off immediately with a 50/50 mixture of white distilled vinegar and water. Wipe dry

Squeaky Shoes: the shoe’s soles may be breaking down due to the rubber or synthetic material, try replacing the soles preferably with leather. Or the shank, which is made of steel, is loose or defective. Some companies make their shanks out of leather. This is an easy replacement for your shoe repairman. Or the easiest the tongue may be rubbing where the shoes are laced – just apply saddle soap to reduce the friction.

Scuffmarks:ey can be treated in an emergency with a small amount of toothpaste on a damp rag, and then wiped.

Tips:
1. Always shine your shoes when you first buy them and before you wear them, then shine them on a regular schedule after that. Preventive maintenance my friend

2. Keep shoetrees in your shoes when you're not wearing them. It'll keep the shoe's shape, and prevent it from shrinking (which leather is prone to do). Also, it's a good idea to but the shoetrees in immediately when you take your feet out. The trees will do more good if the leather is warm and moist from use than if it isn't.

3. Moisture protection is a must. Mink oil will waterproof and preserve the shoe, but it can darken lighter shades of leathers. Silicone spray provides water protection and doesn't alter the color. Shoe care

4. A stain protective spray for leather is for protection. It is not a substitute for polish, but it is is still a pretty good idea to keep it on hand.

5. Remember: A proper polishing can make cheap shoes look expensive- and expensive ones look as pricey as they are.

6. Aim to shine about once a week: There isn't a hard and fast rule, but your shoes should be pristine at all times

7. Use a soft brush to remove any surface dirt: It'll protect the shoe. Then apply a neutral color cream, such as Meltonian Cream, to restore the leather's essential oils. You can get away with not using this and going straight to the policy, but the cream is the life preserver. The polish is the aesthetic element.

8. To remove the wax in difficult areas, such as between stitches, use a toothbrush.

9. Go for a beeswax polish: it'll give you a higher shine. Cover the forefinger of your writing hand in a cloth. Use it to take up the polish, and in a circular motion apply the polish on the surface of the shoe. Repeat until you get the desired effect. And please...put some muscle into the job.

10. Ultimately, though, there's nothing like a professional shine: shoe polishing is an art. Many professionals spend between forty minutes and an hour on a pair. If you do it yourself, it takes five minutes. That's the difference right there.

And there you go. All that I know about shinning men's shoes. If I'm missing anything please let me know and I'll edit what's necessary.

"But my heart belongs To Daddy" -Eartha Kitt

Questions from the readers

I recently was told that some people would like to hear about men's fashion and so forth. I love men's fashion so I'm more than happy to oblique. However, yesterday someone sent me a very thoughtful email and I thought it would be a good idea to do this instead of what I was originally going to post.

"I know that ties are all the rave in the men's world. I just recently bought a skinny tie with my girlfriend because she likes the way it looks on Pete Doherty. But I'm pretty clueless when it comes to what to wear with it. I'm used to regular ties. What should I do?"

Ah the question of the tie. So many of my guy friends, despite being male, have no idea of the various types out there. But I will not point fingers. Well my friend, this is going to be pretty easy and basic...but perhaps not so cheap. To wear a skinny tie in it's full regalia and trendy sense, you should go for a small-collar dress shirt (yes there are MANY different collars).

They key to a successful shirt-tie combo isn't just color and pattern; it's proportion too. So as slim/ skinny ties have grown in popularity several designers have responded with proportionally small-collar dress shirts. It makes sense, think about it: your tie and collar (and even lapels) aren't individuals-they're a team. They should be more or less with the same width. Remember balance is crucial.

Unfortunately, since it's not very traditional...the majority of the well made small collar dress shirts are expensive. I've searched and I've found some cheap ones on bluefly, but you must keep looking my friend. The shirts that Pete wears generally are from the Gucci and Dior homme collection, which are about $310. There's a reason why he's so trendy...and why he looks good. because he can afford it. Keep looking though, sometimes you can find great replacements. H&M sometimes has some great shirts, and Zara (though more expensive than your average dress-shirt place) have pretty cheap "trend" shirts.

Good luck my friend.



These are examples of shirts with "skinny-Tie" compatibility. And to show you what I mean, here are two great examples of the skinny tie-small collar-suit combo. one being right of the runway, and the other being in a popular movie scene that many people forget, but so badass (so the skinny tie isn't just for gay fashionistas). Enjoy boys!

First dates

I received an email the other day from someone I don’t know personally, and first let me say that I am flattered you contacted me But I thought it was important because I’ve seen and heard my guy friends say the same thing. Anyway here goes:

“I’m usually nervous around girls, but finally worked up the courage to talk to a girl I like and asked her out. Now we have plans to do something next week, and I have no idea what to do or where to take her. Help!”

It would seem that I caused a furor a little while ago with my article on “How to be a gentleman”, and quite by surprise too. For the longest time, I was of the opinion that guys were just a little scared of using their manners, but I never realized the level this fear had reached. Amongst other things, I covered in that article how to be nice and respectful to a perfect stranger and even break the ice. I’m now being turned to for advice on the next step once you have a girl’s attention: the dreaded first date.

Understandably, preparations for a first date are a time of extreme nervousness and worry. First impressions do, in fact, count. Ask any couple if they remember the instant they saw their partner for the very first time and I bet they remember all sorts of minute details. So of course, you’ll need to make sure you’re looking and smelling your best when the night in question rolls around. However, planning a date actually requires starting at the end and planning backwards, so you first need to work out what you’re going to do and then organize accordingly.

Coming up with some sort of activity is the hardest part. I remember the first time I actually had a date after I got out of a long term relationship a few years back. I was with someone I barely knew. We had just met and hadn’t really talked yet. Young and naïve, I took him on the regulation dinner-movie date. It was such a disaster. There was forced, awkward conversation over a boring dinner at an ordinary café. We sat quite uncomfortably next to each other at the cinema and watched the movie. And predictably, it ended in even more awkward stammering and actions when he dropped me off home afterwards. Needless to say, I didn’t return the phone-call for a second date.

Learn from my mistakes, gentlemen! That kind of formal, rigid first date stuff doesn’t always cut it. So, don’t just dinner and movie date her and think you’re rocking her world. Personally, I think the dinner and movie date is better as a second date. If you think you might like this girl, spend some time seeing what will make the date fun and enjoyable. What is she into? What does she like? You want the date to be fun; it’s as simple as that. As long as she has a good time and you both laugh and enjoy yourselves, it will be a success. This is where some subtle homework will help you out.

Since you’ve asked this girl out, I’m going to assume that you’ve at least had a reasonable amount of conversation with her, and not just blurted out an invite to some random girl at a bar you though you felt a connection with. I have to say that I wouldn’t recommend pulling out all the stops for a really romantic date with someone you’ve just met. Casually catching with her away from the flowing alcohol and blaring dance music is a much better way to get to know each other before you decide whether you’d like to spend more time as something more than friends. I think actual dates should be reserved for people you have a proven connection with. And this first, informal step is where you’ll get you inspiration for your “real date”.

I’m frankly a little reluctant to give you the following piece of advice, but in this modern day it is a viable and very common option. If you want to learn more about them to make sure a date is going to be special or to draw some inspiration of what they like, you can always have a quick peek at they MySpace or facebook profile. These sites can be good to double check their taste in music, beliefs and politics. It can be very useful to look them up and see, for example, that her political or religious views are completely opposite to yours, thus saving you the embarrassment and the uncomfortable silences when you actually spend time together. Just try and keep an open mind- opposites attract they say. Don’t write her off straight away just because she has written something strange like “recycling sucks” on her profile. Maybe she’ll open your mind and you’ll lean new things.

Please though, promise me you won’t overdo it and become some psycho online stalker. It’s perfectly acceptable to have a quick poke around to check some details but it’s something else all together to have snooped around all her photos, memorized her list of favorite authors, checked out her friends and made notes of her jokes. Chill out a bit. It’s pretty easy to go overboard, and sites like these can really kill the mystery. I think the best part of dating someone new and those first few months is getting to learn about them, hearing stories and building a relationship. You get to meet the special people in their lives, discover you both have a secret love an obscure band, that kind of thing. Doing too much homework is going to completely destroy all of those awesome moments, and thing and you’ll come across as really really creepy.

So casnova, still no ideas? Here are some suggestions:

• Make a picnic and take her to an awesome park in the autumn. Eat great food and jump in piles of leaves.
• Hire two bikes and find a lake or a nice part of the city to ride around
• Weather permitting, buy a huge ice cream sundae and share it.
• Look up if your city has a “cinema in the park” event over summer and let her pick the movie.
• If she’s an artistic gal, take her to the local gallery and ask her to pick her favorite pieces.
• Buy two tickets for a band that’s coming, and you happen to know she likes. Bonus points if you snag an autograph.
  

Whatever you do, just make sure it’s something memorable, interesting and fun. Something that allows her to be herself, while also allowing her to see the real you.
Good luck!

The mysteries of Love

Well I've given in. So many of you have sent me so many requests for a Valentine’s Day post. So I gave in. But let me tell you, this is not going to be some Valentine’s Day post which tells you all about my feelings. Rather, it's going to be a post about the science of love. Enjoy, and happy heart day. Also just as a side note I encourage all of you to read the studies that I mention, they are truly fascinating.

What rules attraction?
In general, you gravitate toward people like you. good-looking people tend to go for similarly good-looking types, and those from a particular socioeconomic background favor their own. Experts believe this happens because perceived equality contributes to a stable union. Well known actresses pair up with rock stars, for example, because such men tend to be as rich and famous as they are. But once you get past the bone structure and bank account and into personality attributes, opposites often attract. "We’re apt to falling love with those who are mysterious and challenging to us" says Fisher, a professor of anthropology at Rutgers University. "This pull to another biological type could also be adaptive, if two very different people pool their DNA, they'll create more genetic variety, and their young will come to the job of parenting with a wider array of skills" hence my friends, survival.

How much do looks count?
Physical features are important to both sexes, but a bit more so to men. This is because most of the male brain is associated with processing visual information such as threats[1]. This is also true for women, but they show more activity in the brain regions that integrate decision making, which suggests they’re thinking about a little more than just how he looks.

Is love really blind?
Hmmmm…not exactly. However, once you’re hooked on someone, your vision gets cloudy. When you’re in a relationship, you’re well aware of the other person’s flaws, but your brain is telling you it’s OK to ignore them. Recent studies at the Wellcome Department of Neuroimaging[2] in London found that when romantic partners look at each other, the part of the brain associated with social assessment and negative emotion is relatively dormant and critical judgment is dulled. According to researchers, this mechanism may have evolved to help people stick together through early, sometimes stressful child-rearing stages.

Can love be addictive?
The answer is…Yes. Brain wave patterns taken from people “in love” mimic those of an addict bent on scoring their next fix[3]. Studies have found, for instance, that serotonin levels decrease by up to 40% in the newly smitten, causing some to show signs of obsessive-compulsive disorder, a condition associated with low serotonin-which is why you can’t seem to get the other person out of your head. Additionally, cortisol, a stress hormone linked with the fight-or-flight response, is released, so you’re constantly on high alert. Sound familiar? The brain also produces excess levels of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with addictive behavior whose activity increases when you expect to receive a reward. Gamblers and drug addicts experience similar dopamine activity. In essence you’re not supposed to be satisfied with the minimum, you’re supposed to be driven so you can win the person and eventually stabilize your inner chemistry.

When a relationship ends, you experience symptoms that are similar to an addict’s withdrawal. Your dopamine levels go down, so your mood suffers. The serotonin levels remain low, so your obsessive-compulsive disorder symptoms may not go away. In response to these imbalances, risk taking tendencies go up. That’s why when you can’t have someone but you’re not willing to accept that, you try harder and become more extreme about it. Ironically though, many scientists like Fisher (mentioned above) say that this compulsive behavior may help you move on faster: either you win the person back or you drive them away.

What makes people commit?
Humans are hardwired to stick together. Intimate relationships trigger the production of oxytocin and vasopressin, chemicals that have been nicknamed “cuddle hormones”. A mere touch from a loved one can elevate their levels, and after sex they flood the system. These hormones play an important role later on in the relationship…when you really begin to notice the other person’s flaws.

Why are some more reluctant to commit than others?
Gene variation may be partly to blame for this. Scientists at Emory University looked at the effect of vasopressin in two closely related kinds of rodents- the prairie vole and the meadow vole. Like humans, the prairie vole is one of the 3% of mammalian species that form monogamous pair bonds. The meadow vole doesn’t. But when male meadow voles were injected with a gene responsible for releasing vasopressin receptors, they immediately lost their wanderlust, paired up and settled down.

The number of vasopressin receptors is what most researchers think lay the foundation for commitment. Which in my opinion makes sense. Think about the “great long loves” out there. There’s something more to a couple that stays together for 50 years, and it’s hard to imagine that it’s just a question of compatible personalities or strict beliefs.

Does love make you more trusting?
Those “in love” do tend to see the world through rose colored glasses. An experiment at the national institute of mental health (NIMH[4]) in DC, found that subjects who inhaled oxytocin before looking at pictures of threatening faces had markedly lower activity in their brains fear centers. In addition to this a game in which subjects were given a sum of money to invest with a trustee, either in a lump sum or piecemeal, was set up. Anything given to the trustee would triple in value, but it was up to the subject to decide how much to turn over. Half the participants that were sprayed with oxytocin (the other half sprayed with a placebo) were twice as likely to turn all their money over to a trustee.

Why do people cheat?
I wrote an article on this a long time ago, but I never saw it through a scientific explanation. Attraction, romantic love, and attachment envolve three overlapping but separate brain systems. This means that it’s not hard for somebody to sexually desire one person, be infatuated with another, and still want to spend the rest of his or her life with a third. Because kind of love serves a unique need and exists in a different context, cheaters are able to divide their emotional resources. So what makes one more likely to cheat than the other? The answers are both inconsistent and varied. I suspect that the propensity to stray may be stronger in people who have novelty-seeking, sopamine sensitive personalities (basically addictive personalities). But there are other factors unique to the relationship-a need for attention, a desire to get out of the situation, everything I mentioned before are still likely to fuel infidelity.

Can love affect you health?
A study in Ohio State University showed that couples in good relationship tend to be healthier and happier than those that are not. Happily married couples report lower stress than single people, in part because they provide each other with emotional support in difficult times. Lower stress translates to better health and immune function. They say that people in conflict ridden relationships see that cuts and bruises heal more slowly than those that in a stable relationship. In a continuation of that study, breakups have been shown to cause physical pain. Subjects were involved in a virtual ball-tossing game. Those people rejected during the game showed activity in the pain area of their brains. This means, in evolutionary terms of course, that exclusions can be as bad for survival as a real injury, and our bodies know this. It’s part of the herd and pack instinct, if you’re alone you die.

What keeps people together?
Scientists say hormones, sociologists say hard work. I say both. Eventually the chemical activity associated with new love (high dopamine etc) dies down. This can range from 6 months to two years (depending on the initial rush). There are ways to keep the love alive, if you’re still interested at this point in keeping it. For men, sexual contact drives up dopamine levels. This is because men’s brain can only release those levels again with sexual contact due to the inherent nature of their desire to “populate” their species. For women, it is frequent physical contact, which maintain elevated oxytocin levels. Women are especially sensitive to oxytocin since it is a hormone that is linked to the “rear and raise” instinct. This is why holding hands, stroking your partner or any other kind of touch can create a feeling of attachment, and is the corner stone to her sexual arousal…aka foreplay. For both sexes however, novelty is essential, which is why you tend to feel so good about somebody after taking a trip or going through an usual experience together.


So there it is, ten reasons why we fall so hard, commit reluctantly, cheat for (or are cheated on) but are inclined to stay bonded forever.

Sources:
[1] Brizendine, Louann. The Human Brain. University of California, San Francisco. 2006
[2] http://www.vislab.ucl.ac.uk/pdf/motherlove.pdf
[3] http://www.ncpg.com/addicted_to_love.php
[4] http://www.nimh.nih.gov/science-news/2005/trust-building-hormone-short-circuits-fear-in-humans.shtml

Ten guy films before 2000...you've never seen

There are guy movies and there are girl movies. I've decided that I'm going to go through all the movies I have ever watched and pick out a few that I think are "guy" or "girl" movies. Remember, this is my opinion of what guy/girl movies are...everyone's idea is pretty different. If anything it'll give you some ideas when you have no idea what to watch next and are tired of watching reruns. Why not use that Netflix account you're paying for and see these one of kind, ass-kicking heist films, provocative foreign flicks and genuinely original comedies every guy (and girl) should see. Because, yes, there's more to life than 'Dumb and Dumber".

1. Heist Flick: RIFIFI

The heist picture is a staple and almost none is better than Rififi, Jules Dassin's 1955 masterpiece. I have a sneaking suspicion that Ocean's whatever took some elements from this movie; Tony, a ruin of a man just out of jail, reassembles his old gang for one last job. It's the robbery of a fancy Parisian Jeweler whose jewelry is actually kinda bizarre. Anyway, it is filmed without a word or note of music; fantastically absorbing....the main tune that it plays will be stuck in your head for days. It's a classic and a must see.

2. Cool Britannia: CROUPIER

This movie launched actor Clive Owen's career. In case any of you don't know who Clive Owen is, well then I shall quickly tell you that he's in Sin City, Shoot 'em up, and Godsford Park (he's in other's I'm sure, but I can't think of any others at this moment). To give you an idea of his acting style, he was considered for the role of James Bond after Pierce Brosnan stopped being Bond. I think he would have been a very good Bond. He is very self-effacing, very precise in his acting. Everything-expression emphasis, moment- is there for a reason. He always withholds himself, to be indirect and suggestive...instead of doing something "dramatic". But this is not about Mr. Owen (though he does a wonderful job in this movie), it's about the film. It's about a disaffected casino worker, and is unbearably tense. Jack Manfred (Owen) plays an obsessive antihero, who methodically unbuilds his life, until nothing is left...save his sick pleasure of violence and his clients' losses. It bombed in England, but did fairly well in the US. I'm still holding this on the back shelf as one of my favorite movies...simply because it's not. But it's a good destruction of character movie, and I prefer it over other movies *ahem* about Cuban drug lords.

3. Bloody Villian: THE LIMEY

I'll admit, I have such a hard time picking "the villain". I loved Kingsley in Sexy Beast, and Chigurh in No Country for Old Men, but they are not pre-2000....I'll have to settle with The Limey. Which is not just settling at all. Terence Stamp is an old and vengeance starved convict, barely able to form words or remember how normal people talk. This is old man's vengeance, and the character Wilson (Wiwfffson...you'll get it when you see it), has nothing to lose. A bouncer tries to kick him out of a cocktail party, so he throws the dude off a ledge. A guy won't give him a phone number, so he mashes his face against a desk. Directed by Steven Soderbergh before the Ocean's movies, with the beautiful and constantly bathing Amelia Heinle, and the ubiquitous Luis Guzman.

4. Buddy-Chummy: WITHNAIL & I


Two out of work actors are living in a pretty downward looking London. Their flat lacks heat, they have no money, and their twenties are almost over. Add weed induced paranoia and you have the mental state. They attempt to rest cure at a country cottage, where torrential rain and near starvation ensue, as well as the funniest episode of gay panic ever committed to film (remember Uncle Monty). But really the whole thing is too light and honest to really be about anything, except withnail himself. But that's plenty, since this eloquent, waster, supercilious, and selfish character, (Richard Grant) is as charming as he is insufferable. When the two friends say goodbye, you feel it's for the last time. You'll watch this one again and again

5. Road Movie: THE LAST DETAIL

It's a movie laced with Tourette-like profanity, and it's about two navy seamen transporting a petty thief to the brig. It was an early Jack Nicholson movie, and an Oscar nomination. They're planning a remake...about the Iraq War this time. Hmmmm...I'm not sure.

6. Modernist Noir Masterpiece: POINT BLANK

Lee Marvin...a hard, tough, and serious yet cool, dry and ironic action hero who preferred sitting around drinking scotch to begrudgingly kill the bad guy. A noble tough guy is betrayed by an organization of craven white collar crooks (there's a bunch of great bad guys here--john Vernon, Michael Strong, Carroll O'Connor). He kills his way up the corporate food chain to get his money. It's the ultimate individual-versus-corporation story. Naturally there's a woman, Angie Dickinson. Just to show you how cool this is, Marvin is 43 in the movie, silver hair, boozy deadpan face, unripped muscles....Dickinson slaps the unresisting Marvin until she tires; he then flops down on the sofa to channel surf.

7. War Epic: THE SAND PEBBLES

Set in 1920's China, but made just as Vietnam was turning into America's new foreign-policy nightmare, the movie is the missing link between from here to Eternity and Apocalypse Now. It's an amazing movie showing a rosy-cheeked Candice Bergen, and what you'd never guess is that the director (Robert Wise) was fresh from The Sound of Music. Another thing to note is the amazing background and stage setup. Pauline Kael called it the "incredible task of re-creating ports and waterfronts and villages of China in 1926". It's the kind of scenery that makes you wish CGI had never been invented.

8. Cult Comedy: SAFE MEN

Few movies have failed quite as majestically as Safe Men. Despite having a pretty good cast. It centers on two small time musicians who are mistaken for safecrackers by the Jewish Mafia. Enough said. Go see it!

9. Psychological Thriller: STRAW DOGS

Violence and the "Brilliant but disturbing reminder that humans are still animals". That's how I would describe it. It's about this couple that move to rural England to escape the violence of America...only to find violence in themselves.

10. Mystery Thriller: THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH

I have to say that this movie holds a special place in my heart. I LOVE HITCHCOCK! I adore his movies. This is most certainly something that doesn't disappoint. Because my dad never did like us to watch TV, we had a pretty large assortment of movies. I used to watch this one over and over again like some sweet tune that hum for no real reason. Now the fact that I did the same for The Lord of the Rings cartoon is another matter. It's basically about this family vacationing in Morocco when they accidentally stumble on to an assassination plot and the conspirators are determined to prevent them from interfering. There's murder, kidnapping, hot women, funny accidents, and song birds. Plus you can play "find Hitchcock".

Well ladies and Gentlemen; this concludes part 1 of my new series....movies. I plan to eventually give you some more on "girl" movies, "dork" movies etc. etc. etc. Enjoy, and I'm telling you...go see them!

*Did you know that Tonic water glows? *

What you really need to know about Gin:
Have you ever been to a deluxe bar, which takes its cocktails seriously, and opened up the drinks menu, only to be overwhelmed with the list of Gins, vodkas etc? Well, Danearys is here to help you. As much as I can that is. This is a guide to that most sophisticated, wonderfully complex of spirits; Gin.

What is Gin?
Gin is a clear grain spirit enhanced by the fragrant juniper berry, which in Dutch is genever. Essentially you could say that it’s juniper-flavored vodka, but it’s a tad more sophisticated than that. Pervious myths whispered that Gin is made in bathtubs, on the contrary mes Amies. Gin is blended in copper-pot stills where the spirit is boiled. The botanicals-any herbs, spices and fruits that you can imagine (including nutmeg, orris, angelica root and orange peel) are added directly to the bubbling elixir. This is the most common way of infusing gin with its various flavors. However, in a few choice distilleries, these botanicals are suspended over the copper pots in copper baskets and vapor-extracted. This gives the gin a more delicate taste.

What makes a Quality Gin?
The best gins come from distillers who make their base spirit on-site, or get it from small artisans that micro manage the procedure. Smart distillers then blend the freshest botanicals with curatorial discretion. What you want is a gin that has balance, complexity and smells more like a garden than aftershave. Good gins have a good smell. In order to reveal these it’s a pretty good idea to add a few drops of water to the gin, treating it like a scotch. Just like wine, you should be able to pick out the different parts, the norm being between a citrus, sweet and tangy scent. Always avoid gins that have long lists of ingredients, as there should never be too many botanicals. Gin should always have one or two signature taste characteristics rather than a jumble of ingredients. If you can’t tell what the hell the different ones are, it’s probably not a premium gin. Avoid gins that aren’t labeled “distilled”. This means that they’re compounded mixture of tanker-truck booze, lab manufactured flavors, and will light your lungs on fire! Believe me, it’s kinda painful and sickening.

The history of Gin:
Many people argue about the origins of Gin. As I understand it, the contention is between Italy and Holland. Italy claims that it had created the drink at the Salerno Medical School, which it had used in various celebrations. Holland claims that Franciscus Sylvius, a Dutch doctor in Leyden, created the infusion of juniper berries and distilled grain produce as a remedy for weak kidneys and stomach disorders. Either way, all sources agree that the drink was most common in Holland.

During the 30 years war, English troops fighting in the lowlands were given “Dutch courage”, and took the concoction back to England for mass production. The distillation process was fairly easy to recreate in England and various laws actively encouraged the home distillation of spirits. This mass production lowered the price of Gin and soon became a firm favorite with the poor, as it was cheaper than beer and ale, and had a warming quality. The influx of gin in the market suppressed the production of good gin, but the quantity consumed continued to rise. Suddenly the abuse of alcohol became a major social problem, leading to such terms as “down gin lane”; a description for areas that were scenes of idleness, vice, misery and death.

The problem was tackled in 1736 by passing the Gin Act, making gin prohibitively expensive. Previously a license to retail gin cost £3 ($258.87 today), to £50 ($4314.50 today). Over time the cost lowered, but only marginally. Gin became more expensive to distill, increasing quality and social rank by making it a commodity that only the rich could afford. It continued to rise as technological improvements allowed for beer and ale to become cheaper, and refined a drier gin. In the late 1800s, gin became a popular favorite in gentlemen’s clubs, where it was added to various cocktails (such as “Pink Gins”), leading to the habit of mixing gin with unpleasant tasting liquids[1]. Thus leading to today’s view of Gin.

So how do you drink it, and top choices?
Sure there’s tonic (a personal favorite), but there are other ways to enjoy your gin if you don’t enjoy the taste of quinine. Consider not mixing your gin at all. If it’s a good gin, it won’t make you feel like your liking a car battery. Make a martini but skip the vermouth, which personally doesn’t appeal to me anyway. Why mix gin with flavored wine? Gin is the Rolls-Royce of cocktail spirits, so it advocates drinking it slow and straight, or strained after some easy shaking over ice. Why shake? The shaking introduces oxygen to the drink which enhances the botanical ingredients making them much easier to recognize and to pop out. You can also add little garnishes to the drink which will melt in with the juniper; cucumber is an interesting choice, and I’ve seen several add in a couple of pearl onions.
But, Gin doesn’t follow any strict recipes-it requires juniper…that’s about it- so distillers can get creative with their blends and create specific tastes. Premium distillers make mixes that make sense, and have some uncommon but complimenting ingredients. Remember that what makes the gin a beautiful drink is the fact that they are blended with skill and intention, revealing a thoughtfulness, and complexity you won’t find in other spirits.

Suggestions:

• 
  Bluecoat: A little sugary. It’s got a lemon drop candy flavor that’s pretty light.
• Bulldog: This gin is drier than most and…exotic. This I think is because it adds a botanical called dragon eye, which in my personal opinion is awesome in an of itself
• No. 209: This is thick and very tangy…not a personal favorite but it certainly clears up the nasal passages.
• Aviation: Spicy! Not in the buffalo wing sense, but rather in the cardamom and anise sense.
• Leopold’s: I can never really put this right on place it’s always a tie between citrus and spice
• Hendrick’s: It’s got cucumber and is probably one of the best that you can start on. It’s got an unusual taste but it’s still one of the most drinkable gins.

Now these are just suggestions, I’m not saying these are the best. I’m just offering them up as ones that would make a good start for people looking for a variety of tastes. There is absolutely nothing wrong with other brands, so go ahead…raise your glass…take a sip! Gin and Tonic for me

[1] Enter the “Gin and Tonic”. Previously called “Indian tonic water”, gin was added to tonic water to disguise the taste of the quinine necessary to fight malaria in the tropics, during the campaigns of the East India Company

How to be a Gentleman:
This morning I was on the metro along with the thousands of other 9 to 5ers, getting ready to trudge through another day, I witnessed at least a dozen strapping young men standing around idle as an old lady tried to drag her packed wheelie case down the escalators and onto the train. Totally appalled, I stood up from my seat (which, incidentally, was snapped up immediately by another selfish, slack jawed human bystander), walked past everyone and lifted the wheelie up into the train just before the doors closed on it. It took me five seconds and minimal effort, but she was so surprised and so grateful for it. Everyone around me looked at me strangely, like I was some freak of nature.

It got me thinking though — I’ve always been told that while I am on an equal playing field with men, I am still a woman and it is, in a sense, my duty to be ladylike when a man is a gentleman towards you. I remember a time when guys held doors open, said ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, and charming men gave up their seats for the elderly, a pregnant lady, or someone who just looked like they’d had a rough day.

So what the hell happened? Well, believe it or not, but my male friends actually do voice their confusion and frustration after dates or nights out with friends, about not knowing what to say to a girl or how to act to show them they are actually a genuinely nice guy. They want to be pleasant, nice, and funny but don’t want to be dismissed as just ANOTHER guy with only one thing on their mind. They want to be polite, but not offensive. In essence, they want to be a gentleman.

See, chivalry’s not dead. It just got confused. With the push of equal opportunity and political correctness, I think most guys have the right intentions. It’s really easy sometimes to offend a girl just by being polite — as stupid as that sounds. Some guys unfortunately have good intentions, but come on way too strong or don’t know how to deliver. Others only use politeness as a way to pick up chicks, thus ruining it for everyone. The remainder? Well, they’re just jerks.
So here’s my guide to being the perfect modern gentleman. I say modern, because there are several things that have since my upbringing have become outdated, or are just impractical. For example, I was always told that a gentleman stands up whenever a lady at the table stands up. While in formal settings this is still somewhat of a requirement, it is no longer something everyone does if you’re hanging out in a restaurant. It’s actually ineffectual as you can easily get in the way of the person trying to leave. So this is just a quickie guide, in the hope that everyone can exercise some of this in the real world, and foretell the comeback of nice gestures and gallantry.

First Impressions:
A gentleman takes care of his appearance. This does not mean that you have to dress in the best clothes with precise knowledge of the latest trends. It just means that you’re presentable and give the best first impression that you can give. Now you can stick to your personal style if you like, but just remember the basics: Clean teeth, Fresh Breath, groomed hair (In various orifices on your body), clean nails, deodorant, clean clothes, and healthy skin (not flaking or chapped because its dry…no one wants to kiss someone that reminds them of a leper…well unless you’re into that).
You know that amazing feeling when you’re out somewhere and a cute girl flashes you a smile? Now nothing necessarily can come from it, and she might be down the road and around the corner by the time your brain’s caught up with the rest of you. But it’s still nice to have an acknowledgement that a cute girl thinks you look nice, or dress nice, or that she digs your shoes, so you must be worth the effort. Newsflash, superstud! Girls get that same amazing feeling if you smile at them first! And it’s the simplest, easiest, cheapest nice gesture you can give.

It’s all about delivery though, and I think this is the biggest problem guys face. Girls are scary. We’re like sharks in the water, we smell fear. I can see how guys are afraid of us; especially the ones they think are cute. I know tons of guys that have loads of stuff to talk to a girl about, have frozen still in their tracks because they are not sure how to actually talk to one, or acknowledge one. The trick is something that I can’t expound enough; a little belief in yourself. Confidence. That’s the key

Most guys over think things though, and try to cram too much into a smile. Obviously, your smile shouldn’t say, “Hey baby. You are one sexy mama and you should shimmy over here!” Nor should it say, “Hey. I think you’re cute and I was wondering if you wanted to come and hang out and have a chat and see if we have something in common because if we do I think it’d be awesome to hang out and go somewhere some place sometime and do something because I think you’re cool and interesting.”

Try and smile at someone as if you’re saying “Hey! What’s up?” without words. Because essentially, that’s all a smile to a stranger should say. Nothing may come of it, and that’s fine. All you want to do with a smile is give her your acknowledgement and respect. She might take it on board and that’ll be that. At least you brightened someone’s day. If you’re lucky though, she’ll flash you a “Hi. Not much…” smile back. And those, my friend, are awesome!

A compliment is a great way to break the ice or strike up a conversation with someone, but again, you need to be smart about it. You need to understand that a compliment is only good if it’s sincere. Don’t make stupid, back-handed sarcastic ones. And it can’t be too superficial either. So you think she’s cute or pretty. Of course you do, that’s why you’ve noticed her. Just stop and try not to be really shallow about it — what is it about her that you like? Try and work it out, but don’t blatantly stare while you do so, because you’ll look like a creep. It’s a delicate balance, I know, but it’s something we all need to learn: a general compliment will make you sound like Johnny Everyguy, and she’s heard all that before. Say something really specific or weird and you’re a creep that she’ll be telling her friends about over coffee tomorrow.

So if you find yourself noticing a girl some place and you want to be a gentleman about it, quickly ask yourself why you’ve noticed her. Maybe she’s got a button or a tee from an obscure band you like. Is she sitting at a table and reading your favorite magazine. Perhaps she’s just ordered that weird cocktail that it seems no one else but you like at your favorite bar. Or maybe you love her laugh and just had to talk to her. Something not so shallow, a little different, but most importantly, honest. That’s what you’re aiming for here. And that’s what’ll set you apart from the fifty other guys that have already stared at her boobs tonight, telling her she has a pretty “smile”

Keep things positive: I mentioned above the ‘back-handed compliment’. Girls reading this will know what this is. I see and hear guys do these all the time, and I don’t for the life of me understand it. A guy will be interested in a girl, strike up a conversation and all is fine. But suddenly it’s like the 10-year-old inside of him takes over and he’s pulling the cute girl’s pigtails again — making sarcastic comments, saying negative things to ‘playfully tease’ the girl, flirting with their friends to ‘play hard to get’ (which can work sometimes, but a lot of the times you come of as someone that just likes to flirt), sending mixed messages or just generally saying things that could be taken a number of ways. I don’t get it, and I’m sure most girls don’t want to play these games. So stop it.

Keeping the gentleman flowing: Okay, so you’ve embraced your inner White Knight. She can see the nice guy you are and now you don’t want to mess it up. What do you do next?
Nothing, that’s what! Come on, this stuff is really easy and SHOULD be coming naturally for you. Maybe you’ve just regressed into Caveman Mode, forgotten it all and gone over to the Dark Side. Well, bring yourself back to the light: it just boils down to being respectful. If going out on a date, pick the girl up or at least make sure you’re on time to meet her wherever you’re going. Let her sit first, or be extra courteous and pull out her chair to let her sit. Let her order first, engage in some appropriate conversation, listen to what she says, don’t start eating until you both have your meals, and make sure she’s comfortable and content throughout the meal. Obvious, huh?

And even if you have fallen for a girl who’s really switched on to the modern, PC way of life you can still be a gentleman. There’s such a good balance between males and females these days that we’re lucky to be part of, but most guys seem to take advantage of. For example, splitting a bill was frowned upon back in the fifties and most people go dutch these days. But it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t offer to pay. It’s just manners. Politeness. A great gesture. It’ll make her feel special. Just make sure it’s not an empty gesture. Because there’s nothing worse than that, and it’s game over well and truly if you’re found out to be a snake.

Check the cavemen at the door: This isn’t supposed to be a ‘how to talk to girls’ article though. My main point is that the more masculine half of the population used to be far nicer and respectful. I mean, what the hell happened? I’m not saying times are back to the point where you should take off your cloak and lay it in the mud to save a girl’s shoes. But the old lady on the metro just made me realize what the world is like right now. And frankly, I felt ashamed of every person that had just stood and watched her. Don’t discriminate either, if the old lady had been a blonde haired, large chested lass dragging a shopping cart onto a tram, suddenly every guy there would’ve been Don Juan reincarnated.

Why do you have to be interested in someone to be a gentleman? People say that guys will do anything for a pretty face, and isn't that the truth. For shame, boys! That’s not how it should be at all. So I issue you a challenge: treat everyone the same and be a polite gentleman anyway — even if it’s just for the sake of being nice. Do at least one good deed a day, to anyone, anytime. In fact, do a million good deeds.

Seriously, do it! I dare you

There’s nothing wrong with being nice to a stranger. I admit, times have changed since the old days when your parents were young, polite bucks and Boy Scouts were helping old grannies to cross the street. ‘Stranger danger’ is rife in everyone’s attitudes, and sometimes someone won’t even appreciate your efforts to be nice.

But that shouldn’t mean you keep to yourself and only interact with those you know, running in the same old circles. Where’s the fun in that?! A while ago, I made friends with a girl who was in the same class (back in the college days). I’d seen her all over campus a few times, and one time she had a heap of bags full of books and notepads. When we got off, I offered to help her out since my hands were empty and we were heading the same way. Nothing suspicious, no hidden motives – it was just a nice gesture. And she appreciated it. I was just someone who’d offered to help her out. And from that came a great new friendship.

I’m not a student any more, but we do catch up from time to time, and she’s got some awesome friends who I now count as my friends too. And it all started from a mere compliment and a nice gesture.

These are just the basics…I won’t get into the large pedigree of etiquette that has been engrained in my head…and which I generally ignore myself (I don’t always wear only A-line skirts). But this will help you get the advantage in getting that cute girl that you would like to know more about.
Good Luck!

Monogamy:

I just recently received an email from a long time friend of mine asking me what to do. Her boyfriend, of about five years, had just cheated on her at a party, and she found out only through another friend who had seen the incident. This couple has been a major couple in my life. I was them through the beginning of their relationship, and I felt my heart reach out to her. This is another instance on how life is constantly challenging you and giving you some odd curve balls.
Love and passion are beautiful things…but they are never easy. In the beginning it is very easy for someone to be “in love” and to have immense passion. The relationship is new and it has its novelties. People are experiencing the rush and they feel that this is the relationship and that they’ve never been happier. Well this is of course true at the time…but the sad fact is that both these things are only momentary.
Those endorphins created through the momentary rush seep away and you’re left feeling the same way that you were before the relationship. There is a chemical explanation for this. People who claim to be “madly in love” exhibit the same brain wave patterns of a drug addict during a drug high. Eventually the body becomes immune to the “drug” of love and after a while that raging excitement you once felt wears off. This is when reality sets in, and you come to see that your lover, no matter how marvelous, is just a person. A person like you, and like everyone else that you have ever met. This realization comes directly after the endorphin high, and is generally within the time frame of 3 months – 2 years. This is when you need to start working n the relationship. This is the important time to look for romance and love or the relationship can go as bad as sour milk. Many people deal with this souring in one way: cheating. Cheating is easy, but keeping a relationship above water is not. Some people like a challenge, and some cannot handle the pressure and give in.
Now regardless or whether monogamy is human nature or not (you’d be surprised at the arguments for both sides), cheating on someone is still a horrible thing to do. You deceive that person, swindle away their trust, break their heart, and screw with their mind. This is something you should never purposefully do to someone who has given you their heart.
Reasons vary between the sexes as far as cheating but here are few that seem to be common between both:
One is feeling alone or unloved (this is particularly female)
They don’t find their partner attractive or sexy any more
their partner is unavailable or just unwilling
no intellectual connection or stimulations
no challenge/boredom
festering resentment
the availability to get sex somewhere else
fear of getting older
fear of spending the rest of their life with one person
grass is greener syndrome
or self-destructive urges (example, some people believe that real love is too good to be true and of course feel uncomfortable being loved, so they go out of their way to destroy it)
These reasons are generally seen in both boys and girls, though each individual case varies. The most important thing to remember though in any relationship, and to prevent this from happening, is communication. Did you tell your partner that that he/she wasn’t paying enough attention to you? How do you expect them to know? They are still human not a mind readers. Also remember that you can’t claim that if your significant other paid more attention to you, you wouldn’t have to say anything. Well let me tell you, most boys don’t notice emotional connections as well as girls…it’s not in their nature. That’s why boys will not notice you’re upset until you’re at the extreme of that upset (aka crying or screaming). Keep that in mind. Also, if you’re so upset or resentful and feel that you have to prove something, for some perceived injustice, think before you do anything. Will sleeping with that gorgeous young drummer from the local band really solve the problem?
So what makes a successful, relationship that’s monogamous? I don’t claim to be an expert, but I believe it relies on trust, openness, communication and intimacy. These things cannot be avoided. Think about it, even if you haven’t cheated, but they believe that you have…what’s the point in continuing the relationship? You will never entirely win that trust, no matter how hard you try. How can you expect a relationship to last if you can’t be open or yourself around them? How can you expect to fulfill all parts of a relationship if you don’t communicate what you want? Finally, how can you be in love with someone if you don’t have some level of intimacy?
What I do know is that once any of these things has been betrayed (particularly trust); it will sit in the back of your mind forever. Never mind their reassurances or promises that it will never happen again, you have no reason to believe them. You will be constantly suspicious, which is a high relationship-killer. Plus, it’s exhausting to always feel like you need to be aware of what your partner is doing and it just as exhausting to prove your monogamy.
From personal experience, I was once in a relationship that in my naïveté I thought was exclusive. Turns out he thought differently. He slept with someone else, and I was heartbroken. I spent a few months in limbo, feeling like a fool and letting him get away with murder. It took a while for me to build up the courage to walk away, but I did.
I’m not so naïve enough to say that love is a simple thing. It’s not, and people make mistakes. That’s okay, they are human. But the real danger emerges when you come to see those mistakes and their repercussions. There is nothing that stands as a good “excuse” for being unfaithful. We are always responsible for our actions, no matter how drunk or angry or lonely we are. Therefore, don’t try to justify the situation. And note, that if you give someone permission to cheat on you, they most likely will.
While I’ve known people to work through their differences and patch up their relationship, it’s only worth it if you want to stay together for a long time and you have something else invested in the relationship (such a child). But if there is nothing else, my best suggestion is to walk away. You’ll feel better, believe me. Best of luck to you all!