Danearys 9 to 5

Monogamy:

I just recently received an email from a long time friend of mine asking me what to do. Her boyfriend, of about five years, had just cheated on her at a party, and she found out only through another friend who had seen the incident. This couple has been a major couple in my life. I was them through the beginning of their relationship, and I felt my heart reach out to her. This is another instance on how life is constantly challenging you and giving you some odd curve balls.
Love and passion are beautiful things…but they are never easy. In the beginning it is very easy for someone to be “in love” and to have immense passion. The relationship is new and it has its novelties. People are experiencing the rush and they feel that this is the relationship and that they’ve never been happier. Well this is of course true at the time…but the sad fact is that both these things are only momentary.
Those endorphins created through the momentary rush seep away and you’re left feeling the same way that you were before the relationship. There is a chemical explanation for this. People who claim to be “madly in love” exhibit the same brain wave patterns of a drug addict during a drug high. Eventually the body becomes immune to the “drug” of love and after a while that raging excitement you once felt wears off. This is when reality sets in, and you come to see that your lover, no matter how marvelous, is just a person. A person like you, and like everyone else that you have ever met. This realization comes directly after the endorphin high, and is generally within the time frame of 3 months – 2 years. This is when you need to start working n the relationship. This is the important time to look for romance and love or the relationship can go as bad as sour milk. Many people deal with this souring in one way: cheating. Cheating is easy, but keeping a relationship above water is not. Some people like a challenge, and some cannot handle the pressure and give in.
Now regardless or whether monogamy is human nature or not (you’d be surprised at the arguments for both sides), cheating on someone is still a horrible thing to do. You deceive that person, swindle away their trust, break their heart, and screw with their mind. This is something you should never purposefully do to someone who has given you their heart.
Reasons vary between the sexes as far as cheating but here are few that seem to be common between both:
One is feeling alone or unloved (this is particularly female)
They don’t find their partner attractive or sexy any more
their partner is unavailable or just unwilling
no intellectual connection or stimulations
no challenge/boredom
festering resentment
the availability to get sex somewhere else
fear of getting older
fear of spending the rest of their life with one person
grass is greener syndrome
or self-destructive urges (example, some people believe that real love is too good to be true and of course feel uncomfortable being loved, so they go out of their way to destroy it)
These reasons are generally seen in both boys and girls, though each individual case varies. The most important thing to remember though in any relationship, and to prevent this from happening, is communication. Did you tell your partner that that he/she wasn’t paying enough attention to you? How do you expect them to know? They are still human not a mind readers. Also remember that you can’t claim that if your significant other paid more attention to you, you wouldn’t have to say anything. Well let me tell you, most boys don’t notice emotional connections as well as girls…it’s not in their nature. That’s why boys will not notice you’re upset until you’re at the extreme of that upset (aka crying or screaming). Keep that in mind. Also, if you’re so upset or resentful and feel that you have to prove something, for some perceived injustice, think before you do anything. Will sleeping with that gorgeous young drummer from the local band really solve the problem?
So what makes a successful, relationship that’s monogamous? I don’t claim to be an expert, but I believe it relies on trust, openness, communication and intimacy. These things cannot be avoided. Think about it, even if you haven’t cheated, but they believe that you have…what’s the point in continuing the relationship? You will never entirely win that trust, no matter how hard you try. How can you expect a relationship to last if you can’t be open or yourself around them? How can you expect to fulfill all parts of a relationship if you don’t communicate what you want? Finally, how can you be in love with someone if you don’t have some level of intimacy?
What I do know is that once any of these things has been betrayed (particularly trust); it will sit in the back of your mind forever. Never mind their reassurances or promises that it will never happen again, you have no reason to believe them. You will be constantly suspicious, which is a high relationship-killer. Plus, it’s exhausting to always feel like you need to be aware of what your partner is doing and it just as exhausting to prove your monogamy.
From personal experience, I was once in a relationship that in my naïveté I thought was exclusive. Turns out he thought differently. He slept with someone else, and I was heartbroken. I spent a few months in limbo, feeling like a fool and letting him get away with murder. It took a while for me to build up the courage to walk away, but I did.
I’m not so naïve enough to say that love is a simple thing. It’s not, and people make mistakes. That’s okay, they are human. But the real danger emerges when you come to see those mistakes and their repercussions. There is nothing that stands as a good “excuse” for being unfaithful. We are always responsible for our actions, no matter how drunk or angry or lonely we are. Therefore, don’t try to justify the situation. And note, that if you give someone permission to cheat on you, they most likely will.
While I’ve known people to work through their differences and patch up their relationship, it’s only worth it if you want to stay together for a long time and you have something else invested in the relationship (such a child). But if there is nothing else, my best suggestion is to walk away. You’ll feel better, believe me. Best of luck to you all!