Dating Mr. Big

As I mentioned in my last post, I dated a guy who had lots of money. I'm talking about...lots. Now none of it was his money, it was all his family's...and even that I'm betting actually came from some scandal in his home country (I won't get into the politics of where his money came from). But my love affair with, I'll call him Andre, began one night when I answered the phone and a very bold, pleasing voice stuttered an awkward hello. I was flattered. I had met him at a small party held by another well-to-do friend of mine and I never thought I would receive a personal call from him. He was very smooth, and had a million and one women all over him at the party. So naturally I was shocked when he called me.

A whirlwind first date followed, and then a heady courtship that lasted on and off for a few months, until I found myself in a painful triangle with the woman who was to become his fiance. He's still out there I assume, splashing money about, if he hasn't been arrested for something. As for me, I've moved out on my own where I am working like a regular girl, in a regular life, in a regular city. While I've put Andre far behind me. I've never forgotten the lessons I learned from dating a big shot:

1. If a man asks you to meet him in New York for your first date, run- but not to New York.

Who doesn't love a bold romantic gesture? Just don't ignore the red flags: Andre did indeed pay for me to go to New York for our first date, later he bought me jewelry, and paid for a million and one things. Perhaps all of that blinded me to the difference between us, and the fact that he had recently broken up with his first fiance and was in no way ready for a relationship.

2. Greed is not good for a relationship.
I remember Andre saying things like "Thousands is not enough, I want to have more when I am on my own". Once he said he'd have to sell part of his "empire". OK, Obi-Wan. Too much success can give a guy confidence- which normally isn't bad, but so much so that they start dating multiple people because they think they deserve it. And that's exactly what Andre did.

3. If it seems like he has something to hide, trust your gut, he has something to hide. Andre was always very shady. He constantly was asking who strangers were and didn't like it when I helped other people because that made him nervous...and not in the good protective way but because he would then think I had something against him. Later on, experience proved that he was a pretty shifty guy that I really shouldn't have been involved in.

4. When friends don't have anything nice to say about your boyfriend, listen.

People, that weren't apart of Andre's "crowd", found him arrogant, cruel and cold. Even though they were my friends, and yes they weren't the top cream layer of DC, Andre would treat them with disdain. They were worth more than he was, and it showed he really had no respect for people.

5. You really can learn from every experience.

Andre encouraged me to improve myself, without changing exactly who I was; to never forget the lessons that my family had taught me, and I thank him for those things. I now know how to distinguish people that actually care for me and people that are just using me for something. He also made me realize that if you do something wrong it's important to own up to it early on, and I have learned the value of being loyal, not only to yourself, but to your friends and the people you care about.

Getting over the K-fed Syndrome

Good morning to you all. I am trying to be very good on the updating regular scheme, and getting back to all your emails and replying as much as I can. So in response to a gathering of emails that I received the other day, I'm making today "wake up romantic Tuesday". What is on today's menu? well now, you'll just have to see now won't you?

"I'm a nice guy that treats women well, and I wouldn't say I'm necessarily hideous. But can somebody explain to me why, for the sake of all nice guys, women keep dating these jerks?"

Oh boy, let me tell you. This one is tough and I get a lot of emails about it and I've written a few articles on the topic before. (They're all labeled under advice if you like). But I'll take a shot at explaining what I call the K-Fed Syndrome. Remember when Brittany spears was a symbol...and seemingly normal? Well, what the hell was it with Kevin Federline? After that I think everything went downhill from there. Anyway, I digress. K-Fed Syndrome...when a normal girl dates an asshole.

The best way to describe it is to use a story. Last week I went out to happy hour with my friend Rachel. I hadn't seen her in a while, so I didn't mind at all that she wanted to bring her boyfriend to drinks. The first thing she told me about him was "He's not as bad as he seems". Talk about an endorsement. When we walked into her apt, I saw this moderately good looking guy sitting on the couch. He rolled his eyeballs toward me, rolled them around my body, and then rolled them back toward the football game rerun on ESPN2. He reminded me of an annoying teenage boy. Throughout all of chatting and catching up, Rachel would do all these things for him, practically mother him. He complained he was hungry and when dinner was going to be. So to keep him busy while we drank our wine she brought him over a bowl of tortilla chips, salsa and chicken wings, and he responded with: "That's it?", and then eat it angrily. While it was nice to see her again, it was a pain to see her with someone like him, and the more I thought about Teenager Man on the train ride home, the more pissed off I got, because Stephanie isn't the only woman I know who gravitates towards dickweeds. I'll admit, I've been the one that has done this in the past. I have dated some people who, at the time were the apples of my eyes, but were probably not the best choice.

I used to date a rich guy, who came from a really rich family. He made sure that at least half of our conversations were about him, and how he has more talent in his little finger than anyone else we knew had in their entire body. At the time, I'm not sure he even knew what I did in my free time, or what I liked. Then there's my friend Mary, who's gorgeous, and her boyfriend seems to ogle every female in the room except her.

In all these cases, my friends have been in their relationships for so long that they don't even realize they're dating down. By this I don't mean dating a guy who's less successful- a woman could earn quadruple her guy's income and as long as he treats her well, I'm all for it. But if you've ever said what Rachel said to me recently - I just have to learn not to expect so much, emotionally- you are in danger. If you make excuses for him like I guess I wouldn't want a guy who's too romantic, and you're a romantic at heart, then you're dating down.

I've tried to understand this, and I went through all my memories of past relationships. I even asked lots of friends to get their input, and I can only say that it's the very smart, capable women who are moderately successful that date down precisely because they're used to being successful. I'll quote someone: "I just figure I can turn any bad situation around by trying harder. It's a vicious cycle: Once you date a few bad apples, you come to think that's all you can expect. You get demoralized, and that just attracts more of the wrong kind".

This is what I've got to say: no...you are not supposed to want to FIX the person that you date. Sure change is good, and it's inevitable in a couple, but stop trying to fix someone. Also, remember relationships aren't supposed to suck. They are hard, and they need constant work. But they are not supposed to downright suck. You deserve to be loved, to be paid attention to, to gaze across the room, see your boyfriend and think God, am I lucky to be with that guy, and know that he's thinking the same thing about you. If you ever feel like you're not getting that out of your relationship; that mutual happiness then it's time to get out.

As I write this one of my friends, relates to me his experience with having been the loser boyfriend. "When I was dating Alison, I still had some growing up to do. One night she was trying to talk about how our relationship might be more satisfying for both of us if we communicated better. And I actually asked her, 'Can we talk about this during the commercials? 24's on now'. I wanted the sex and the companionship that came with having a girlfriend- but not the work. I wish now that Alison had told me to go home and watch my own TV, but instead she sighed and said, 'Ok'. While my behavior was never her fault, she might have been surprised at what a good kick in the ass would have done for me. Luckily the next few women I dated gave me just that, and I shaped up considerably. That's why I say to any girl, my future girlfriend included: if you want me to be an excellent boyfriend, accept nothing less".

Now while this is all very very moving, and empowering...I encourage you all to stop before you go on a power pout. Think about what you want and what is achievable. It's great if men could become godlike, but they aren't gods...and it's unfair to want them to be. If you're with a good guy now, and say he doesn't get to see you all the time, be sure you tell him, but remember that he's trying his best probably. Decent guys will try to make improvements but they can't accomplish Herculean efforts. Sure you can always find prettier, handsomer, skinnier, sexier, wiser, richer, younger or zippier. But more often than not, one might learn the most, laugh the loudest, and smile the widest with those they've already found, especially when they stop looking elsewhere. And guys, remember the same goes for you. Follow the greatest rule: do to others, what you'd like to be done to you.

What to say (and not say) in a date

So I’ve been getting a lot of people asking me what to say and what not to say to someone that they’re interested in. I’ll be honest; it’s very difficult to tell you absolute truths with this because every single person is different. However, I was sent a suggestion from one of you asking me if this article was correct. It’s an article from the MSN homepage that says “What not to say or do in the presence of a woman”. I’ll give you my thoughts on it.

1. Don’t reveal how much your car cost. This is true for me. I may not be a mechanic, but I can tell when a car cost a lot a when a car doesn’t. If you have a nice car, you have a nice car. There’s no reason to boast about it, because frankly I don’t care. It makes you seem like you’re trying so hard to impress me with money…you may very well be, but simply showing me your expensive car is enough…and you get points for not being arrogant about it. Also, why draw attention to your car? We’re on a date with you, not with your car.

2. Don’t clean your gun. This is a half truth. On the first date, yeah it may not be such a good idea. You come off as a little bit psycho. But…if you do own a gun, be sure you tell the girl on the first date. How would you like to be really into a girl, and then she suddenly shouts “ha ha I’m a man!”. It’s not necessarily the same thing here, but what if she doesn’t like guns…she would get the same reaction. If she doesn’t mind, perhaps you could show her how to clean it on another date. Base line, just don’t do it on your first date.

3. Polish high school trophies (which you still have displayed). True.

4. Refer to your mother as your best friend. True.

5. Rap. Unless you’re at karaoke, or trying to make us laugh, true.

6. Check out our assistant/roommate/the baby-sitter. Do it without us noticing (if you must), because nothing is more annoying than trying to impress someone, when they’re too busy checking someone else out.

7. Question our footwear. True. If we are regretting our decision, don’t rub our face in it.

8. Blow-dry your hair. Meh, it’s not so bad…so long as you don’t take longer than we do.

9. Tip less than 20 percent. Most of us, at some point, have been a waitress and know what it’s like. Show some class, and be nice...unless the service was really really bad.

10. Celebrity impressions. They can be kinda grating.

11. Impressions of us. True.

12. Forget to carry cash. True.

13. Flip it, flop it, swing it around, tug on it, adjust it, scratch it, or do anything that will give us the impression that it’s just an appendage and not a mystical source of pleasure and satisfaction. True.

14. Wii. Not true. I’ve had plenty of times where this was a lot of fun. But not recommended for the frist date, and if you do show her your wii…let it be something she can do too.

15. Scream—at the dog, at the guy who just stole your parking spot, at Bill Belichick. True, no matter how much that person/thing deserves it, when we hear you raise your voice, we have an idea of what we're in for.

16. Talk about former exploits. Ever. Some girls find this true. I personally don’t care. You wouldn’t be on a date with me if you didn’t like me a little bit. So long as you don’t go into so many details. The time you’re entering the danger zone is if you start comparing me and them. Example: No- I used to date a girl that liked me to pull her hair. Yes- I used to date someone that was a vegetarian. No- My last girlfriend didn’t eat fish like you do.

17. Use the words bitch, slut, tramp, or whore. True, unless referring to another man.

18. Tell us you're going to kiss us. Not true. Women like mystery and the whole, dark and handsome stranger thing. Be a man and go for it. But if she pulls away, back off immediately and apologize. Also, remember, a kiss is a kiss…tonsil hockey is tonsil hockey…learn the difference.

First dates

I received an email the other day from someone I don’t know personally, and first let me say that I am flattered you contacted me But I thought it was important because I’ve seen and heard my guy friends say the same thing. Anyway here goes:

“I’m usually nervous around girls, but finally worked up the courage to talk to a girl I like and asked her out. Now we have plans to do something next week, and I have no idea what to do or where to take her. Help!”

It would seem that I caused a furor a little while ago with my article on “How to be a gentleman”, and quite by surprise too. For the longest time, I was of the opinion that guys were just a little scared of using their manners, but I never realized the level this fear had reached. Amongst other things, I covered in that article how to be nice and respectful to a perfect stranger and even break the ice. I’m now being turned to for advice on the next step once you have a girl’s attention: the dreaded first date.

Understandably, preparations for a first date are a time of extreme nervousness and worry. First impressions do, in fact, count. Ask any couple if they remember the instant they saw their partner for the very first time and I bet they remember all sorts of minute details. So of course, you’ll need to make sure you’re looking and smelling your best when the night in question rolls around. However, planning a date actually requires starting at the end and planning backwards, so you first need to work out what you’re going to do and then organize accordingly.

Coming up with some sort of activity is the hardest part. I remember the first time I actually had a date after I got out of a long term relationship a few years back. I was with someone I barely knew. We had just met and hadn’t really talked yet. Young and naïve, I took him on the regulation dinner-movie date. It was such a disaster. There was forced, awkward conversation over a boring dinner at an ordinary café. We sat quite uncomfortably next to each other at the cinema and watched the movie. And predictably, it ended in even more awkward stammering and actions when he dropped me off home afterwards. Needless to say, I didn’t return the phone-call for a second date.

Learn from my mistakes, gentlemen! That kind of formal, rigid first date stuff doesn’t always cut it. So, don’t just dinner and movie date her and think you’re rocking her world. Personally, I think the dinner and movie date is better as a second date. If you think you might like this girl, spend some time seeing what will make the date fun and enjoyable. What is she into? What does she like? You want the date to be fun; it’s as simple as that. As long as she has a good time and you both laugh and enjoy yourselves, it will be a success. This is where some subtle homework will help you out.

Since you’ve asked this girl out, I’m going to assume that you’ve at least had a reasonable amount of conversation with her, and not just blurted out an invite to some random girl at a bar you though you felt a connection with. I have to say that I wouldn’t recommend pulling out all the stops for a really romantic date with someone you’ve just met. Casually catching with her away from the flowing alcohol and blaring dance music is a much better way to get to know each other before you decide whether you’d like to spend more time as something more than friends. I think actual dates should be reserved for people you have a proven connection with. And this first, informal step is where you’ll get you inspiration for your “real date”.

I’m frankly a little reluctant to give you the following piece of advice, but in this modern day it is a viable and very common option. If you want to learn more about them to make sure a date is going to be special or to draw some inspiration of what they like, you can always have a quick peek at they MySpace or facebook profile. These sites can be good to double check their taste in music, beliefs and politics. It can be very useful to look them up and see, for example, that her political or religious views are completely opposite to yours, thus saving you the embarrassment and the uncomfortable silences when you actually spend time together. Just try and keep an open mind- opposites attract they say. Don’t write her off straight away just because she has written something strange like “recycling sucks” on her profile. Maybe she’ll open your mind and you’ll lean new things.

Please though, promise me you won’t overdo it and become some psycho online stalker. It’s perfectly acceptable to have a quick poke around to check some details but it’s something else all together to have snooped around all her photos, memorized her list of favorite authors, checked out her friends and made notes of her jokes. Chill out a bit. It’s pretty easy to go overboard, and sites like these can really kill the mystery. I think the best part of dating someone new and those first few months is getting to learn about them, hearing stories and building a relationship. You get to meet the special people in their lives, discover you both have a secret love an obscure band, that kind of thing. Doing too much homework is going to completely destroy all of those awesome moments, and thing and you’ll come across as really really creepy.

So casnova, still no ideas? Here are some suggestions:

• Make a picnic and take her to an awesome park in the autumn. Eat great food and jump in piles of leaves.
• Hire two bikes and find a lake or a nice part of the city to ride around
• Weather permitting, buy a huge ice cream sundae and share it.
• Look up if your city has a “cinema in the park” event over summer and let her pick the movie.
• If she’s an artistic gal, take her to the local gallery and ask her to pick her favorite pieces.
• Buy two tickets for a band that’s coming, and you happen to know she likes. Bonus points if you snag an autograph.
  

Whatever you do, just make sure it’s something memorable, interesting and fun. Something that allows her to be herself, while also allowing her to see the real you.
Good luck!

Sleep

So apparently I suffer from sleep deprivation....

I was having dinner with one of my friends who just got into med school. He was learning about sleep in his class and we were talking about it. I told him that I try to get a full 8 hours of sleep a day but that I never seem to get it. He laughed and said that’s probably because I don’t adhere to my “natural” sleep cycle. He started getting into a series of lectures about the different stages of sleep and the correlation between body temperature and sleep patterns…it became really complicated and of course I don’t want to regurgitate an entire bio lesson. So I’ll make this short.

Sleep is one of the body’s most mysterious and important processes. It helps you to restore and rejuvenate your entire body; in memory, mood and social behaviors, and in various system functions such as the nervous and immune.

Since it is essential to the maintaining of the body, the body naturally provokes us to sleep via electrical messages from our circadian clocks-the time-keeping, temperature fluctuating, enzyme controlling inner clocks. These inner clocks work with a particular neurotransmitter that “turns off” our body, called adenosine. Adenosine is created in tandem with energy that our cells create to power us through the day. As the level adenosine builds up in our brains, we feel… “sleepy”. Combining this with our circadian devices, we understand that its time to sleep. Once preparing for sleep we enter our sleep cycle.

Sleep cycles vs. sleep hours:
I’m sure you’ve heard that everyone needs about 8 hours of sleep a night, and depending on age it can increase. For example babies need to spend at least 12 – 18 hrs a day asleep, and adolescents need 9. But as you become a “biological” adult, you require less total numbers of sleep hours, and more sleep cycles. Sleep cycles are the number of times that your brain shifts through the five stages of sleep.

Stage 1: (Drowsiness) - When you first fall asleep, you are in Stage 1 sleep. It lasts just about five or ten minutes. Eyes move slowly under the eyelids, and muscle activity slows down. You are easily awakened in this stage, and some can argue that when you zone out in class (or something of the equivalent) you are actually entering in to this Stage.

Stage 2: (Light Sleep) –Here your eye movements stop, heart rate slows, and body temperature decreases. You spend most of your sleep time in stage 2, as your body is continuously shutting down at this point. With all the systems that your body possesses, it’s not a real surprise.

Stages 3 & 4: (Deep Sleep) - During these stages, you are difficult to awaken. People who are awakened during Deep Sleep do not adjust immediately and often feel groggy and disoriented for several minutes after they wake up. Your body is immobile and the brain waves patterns at this point are slow and wide spread. This is the most important part of sleep as it is the end of the “cycle” and tells your body if you have thoroughly processed through the entire sleep procedure.

REM: Rapid Eye Movement- Many people argue if this is a stage or not. For now it will be a transition stage, since this occurs at the end of stage 4 and leads back to stage 1 in the sleep cycle. You usually have three to five REM episodes per night. Your eyes jerk rapidly in various directions under your eyelids (hence the name Rapid Eye Movement), and your body continues to be paralyzed. This is the stage where you dream and where you “remember” your dreams.

The first sleep cycles each night contain relatively short REM periods and long periods of deep sleep. But, as the night progresses, REM sleep periods increase in length while deep sleep decreases. By morning, you will spending nearly all the “sleep” time in stages 1, 2, and REM.

Ideally you want to wake up at the end of an REM stage. This is why; when you have no pressure to wake up, you generally wake up after a dream. The end of a REM stage is the end of a cycle, just before you go back into stage 1. The entire thing lasts generally about 90 min. So it’s best to calculate your time in that 90 min time frame.
So you’d be following a sleeping pattern in multiples of 90 min:

1.5 hours
3 hours
4.5 hours
6 hours
7.5 hours

Those are the sleep quantities that you should aim to get, and those are what your body will naturally take, removing the alarm clock. Though this time frame varies between people, the best way to find your timing for a sleep cycle is to pick a weekend, and not set an alarm clock. Go to bed the moment you feel tired and then wake up naturally. Do this for the entire weekend (including Friday night!) and then average out your time. That’s your natural sleep cycle. Ideally you would do this over a week or so, but since the working world cannot wait you must make do with what you can right?

So what are some easy ways to fall asleep?

Nap every single day: nap regularly, keep it short, and make it in the early afternoon. 1) By napping at the same time every day, your body will start to regulate itself to want to nap at that time and it will become easier to fall asleep quickly and take an efficient nap; 2) Keep it short - only nap for about 20 minutes. This length of time, a power nap, is just enough to make you feel refreshed and mentally more alert but doesn’t allow you to go into a deep sleep (which would interfere with falling asleep at night), and; 3) Make sure to nap in the early afternoon - preferably about 20 to 30 minutes after lunch, which is when your body is naturally inclined to feel sleepy, and early enough in the day to not interfere with falling asleep at night.

Make your room cold Your body needs to cool down in order to fall asleep and stay asleep, so do what you can to make your room cool. For me, a cool bedroom has the added benefit of nestling into a heavy comforter, and I find the heavy warmth on top of me very soothing.

Exercise intensely. Don’t just “exercise”, but do so intensely, to the point of feeling physical exhaustion. At the end of the day, this is probably the single best thing for helping induce deep, restorative sleep. When I say “intensely”, I mean intense relative to your capability. For some this may mean running 5 miles, for others it may mean a brisk 20 minute walk that elevates the heart rate. Physical tiredness is absolutely essential to getting a good night’s sleep

Expose yourself to bright light/sunlight soon after waking up. Bright sunlight (or any bright light) tells your body’s natural biological clock that its time to wake up, and that same clock will then be set to tell your body its time to go to sleep about 14 to 16 hours later

Find a bedtime ritual that works for you. I say find the routine that works for you - whatever it is - and do it every night. Find what helps you feel less anxious at the end of the day and incorporate into a nightly ritual.

Do what it takes to manage stress in your life. At some points in our lives we are burdened by a great deal of stress. It may be chronic pain or other health condition, a family or work situation, financial stress, or all combined. And the stressful situation may well be unavoidable. But do what you can to take some control over the stress. There are so many ways to do this - I encourage you to try some and just keep trying until you find what works for you. It can be guided imagery, either with the help of a professional or with CD’s, regular massage, yoga or tai chi, calming music, or a therapeutic run or bike ride after work. We all have different preferences - try one that sounds appealing, but if you find it difficult to stick with it, then try a different one

Anyway, like I said I won’t make this a bio lecture (though it’s truly fascinating). My friend gave me the link to some article and research findings so I suggest you go check it out and read for yourself. Believe me I have a lot more respect for sleep and naps now…and I’m trying to think of ways to incorporate them into my life. I am going to attempt to take a nap at around my lunch and then another one after work (only 15-20 minutes though) and then sleep everyday for 7.5 hours (my sleep cycle number). I’ll up date you guys on the progress.

• http://www.sleepfoundation.org/Alert/030730.cfm
• Center for Applied Cognitive Studies (http://centacs.com/)

Learning to let go:
In these times that we live in, the challenge of just getting through the day has made our relationships increasingly complicated. Breaking up with anyone in these relationship is never easy. Well kinda. If you don’t care about the person, then it is pretty easy because the lack of emotion towards that person gives you an edge. However, if you do have at least some respect for that person, ending a relationship is arduous to say the least. I was looking through my journals and photos of yesteryears and read all the trials I had in the past. Sometimes it’s painful to look back, but most of the time I don’t think I’d have changed a thing. But I really could have dealt with some situations in a better way, or could have healed myself faster.

The stages of a breakup:

Stage one: The initial break up process can include fits of crying, a great sense of loss, worry, anxiety and rage. There could be a thousand unanswered questions about what exactly led to the breakup. Past events and situations, either positive or negative, can be obsessed over. Guilt and blame are felt by both partners, no matter who initiated the breakup. Sometimes, if the relationship was torturous and difficult, there may be a sense of emotional liberation and relief.

Stage two: Once the first stage has passed, acceptance of the situation sets in, and gradually you become accustomed to the changed circumstances. You begin to focus on new concerns aside from the emotional turmoil that a break up can cause. The social circle that used to include both partners as a couple can shrink, and formerly mutual friends may drift away. This is…unfortunately going to happen. You can never have really “mutual” friends, that friend is always more loyal to one person or another. When you break up and that friend becomes distant, just back off, chances are you’ve been passed over for the other one. And don’t take offense, admit it, you’ve done it too.

Stage three: Recovery. You’ve accepted, and you’re moving on. You begin to actively reorganize your life and forge ahead into the future. You make new friends, set new goals and become more involved with yourself and your friends.

Personal Recipes and tips to survive a breakup:
Everyone is different I know this, but I go through my own series of rituals that ensure a quick and speedy recovery…for me. I don’t know if they work for everyone, but I’ve come to the conclusion that they are general sweeping points and can help others out too.

Communication: I’m a bit of no contact person, once someone is out of my life… I want them out. But some people like to keep in contact with their exes. I have a few tips for this. If you feel like you need to talk about what happened, talk about the problem(s) directly, without subtle accusations or reading between the lines. It’s also critical to avoid unnecessary arguments. Learn to forgive and accept that your ex has changed, and that now is not the time to try to change them into something you want. It’s normal for these conversations to be difficult, but don’t let the other get the best of you.

Journal: I write down everything. My disappointments, my fantasies and my feelings. Although it may seem superficial, every little detail helps. They make a great read later on in the future when you’ve settled and you can see how much you’ve grown.

Guilt: Don’t blame yourself for the breakup. Neither you nor your ex are solely to blame. Relationships change, and people do too.

Phone calls and pleas: This falls of course into communication but I think it deserves a section of its own. 75% of divorces in the US are one-sided. Unrequited love needs to be managed very carefully. If you’re the one being abandoned, no matter how many pleas you give to entice that person to stay will never change that person’s mind if they truly don’t want to stay. If you are the one leaving the relationship, your ex may call you, but you must be firm in your decision.

Change your routine: Lots of couples develop routines or patterns, now is the time to stop it. It’ll help you get over the relationship, and if the habits never really suited you, you can start afresh.

No Drama: Once the separation has become a reality, try to avoid bringing up old conflicts. Dramas, fruitless fighting, and arguing serve no purpose.

Being alone: Don’t resist spending time alone. Enjoy it. A person who knows how to be happy alone will be able to be happy in a new relationship. Do exactly as you please.

Friends: I can’t tell you how important they are. Usually, the friends of a couple decide for themselves which partner they will remain friends with. This doesn’t usually have anything to do with which person they think is right or why the pair separated. The friends of both partners will gravitate towards the person they feel the most affinity with. Never try to win over mutual friends. Those that stay with you are your sidekicks and it’s important to never let them go and be there for them too.

Sex:When you find that you are ready for some physical contact, try not to confuse the need for affection with the need for sex. You don’t want to end up disappointed, but let yourself enjoy sex. Give yourself permission to experience new sensations and express love in different ways.

Delicious extras:
Go out: You're single…why the hell not?

Take a road trip: Despite what you’ve seen in the movies, you don’t have to kill your ex-lover to go on a road trip. Just wanting to kill your ex is enough. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, depressed, crazy, bored, exhausted or all of the above, then hit the road. Road tripping (especially with friends) is like the ultimate brain douche that clears your head and leaves you feeling fresh. It gives you the chance to recreate yourself at any stop and to really find about who you are.

Date yourself: Hey think of all the benefits of this one! You never have to worry about the other person being asleep, or not in the mood. Never liking what you like, and never anxious or boring. How to start? Well ask yourself out on a luscious date, it’s a absolute yes so don’t be nervous. Wine and dine yourself in front of a mirror and tell yourself how ravishing you are, then…since you know you’re going to bed with yourself, seduce seduce seduce! If you need cuddle time afterwards whispered sweet nothings and then turn around really fast to catch it in the other ear

Today's TIP: Runaway Emails

Part of being in the working world, is to make some mistakes with email. There have been many instances where you email someone and A. they get the wrong idea from the email, or B. you didn't mean for them to get that particular email. Either way you goofed royally. So how do you avoid this mayhem, or in some cases patch it up?

Separate your personal emails from your professional emails. Don't email out of your work place email (ex outlook). Your boss can read it later if they search your computer and it also keeps things really simple to just know that everything coming in that inbox is strictly professional. Use your personal emails from an online email account, such as gmail.

Skip the excuses if you did mess up. No matter how hard you try, you can't go back and change what you already sent, so don't bother trying to cover it up. Avoid excuses and just be sincere. If you wrote a bitchy email about a project because you're secretly upset you're not managing it, suck it up and say so. Hey, you'll probably get brownie points for being so honest, and it shows a certain amount of maturity to just face it.

Don't email people back with the "I'm Sorry" email. There's no accounting for tone and emotion in an email, so forget about putting your apology in writing. Sorry can come off as flippant in a written form...and even sometimes angry if you use caps or anything else to emphasize your words. Pick up the phone, or walk over to the office...put your tail between your legs and fess up.
And finally...just be patient. Your email may cause your pal, boss or whoever to write you off, but chances are they'd like to forget the incident as much as you would. So give them time. In the meantime don't beat yourself up over it. Move on and do your job (if it was at work) or continue the friendship (if it was a friend)--eventually, the sting will wear off

Monogamy:

I just recently received an email from a long time friend of mine asking me what to do. Her boyfriend, of about five years, had just cheated on her at a party, and she found out only through another friend who had seen the incident. This couple has been a major couple in my life. I was them through the beginning of their relationship, and I felt my heart reach out to her. This is another instance on how life is constantly challenging you and giving you some odd curve balls.
Love and passion are beautiful things…but they are never easy. In the beginning it is very easy for someone to be “in love” and to have immense passion. The relationship is new and it has its novelties. People are experiencing the rush and they feel that this is the relationship and that they’ve never been happier. Well this is of course true at the time…but the sad fact is that both these things are only momentary.
Those endorphins created through the momentary rush seep away and you’re left feeling the same way that you were before the relationship. There is a chemical explanation for this. People who claim to be “madly in love” exhibit the same brain wave patterns of a drug addict during a drug high. Eventually the body becomes immune to the “drug” of love and after a while that raging excitement you once felt wears off. This is when reality sets in, and you come to see that your lover, no matter how marvelous, is just a person. A person like you, and like everyone else that you have ever met. This realization comes directly after the endorphin high, and is generally within the time frame of 3 months – 2 years. This is when you need to start working n the relationship. This is the important time to look for romance and love or the relationship can go as bad as sour milk. Many people deal with this souring in one way: cheating. Cheating is easy, but keeping a relationship above water is not. Some people like a challenge, and some cannot handle the pressure and give in.
Now regardless or whether monogamy is human nature or not (you’d be surprised at the arguments for both sides), cheating on someone is still a horrible thing to do. You deceive that person, swindle away their trust, break their heart, and screw with their mind. This is something you should never purposefully do to someone who has given you their heart.
Reasons vary between the sexes as far as cheating but here are few that seem to be common between both:
One is feeling alone or unloved (this is particularly female)
They don’t find their partner attractive or sexy any more
their partner is unavailable or just unwilling
no intellectual connection or stimulations
no challenge/boredom
festering resentment
the availability to get sex somewhere else
fear of getting older
fear of spending the rest of their life with one person
grass is greener syndrome
or self-destructive urges (example, some people believe that real love is too good to be true and of course feel uncomfortable being loved, so they go out of their way to destroy it)
These reasons are generally seen in both boys and girls, though each individual case varies. The most important thing to remember though in any relationship, and to prevent this from happening, is communication. Did you tell your partner that that he/she wasn’t paying enough attention to you? How do you expect them to know? They are still human not a mind readers. Also remember that you can’t claim that if your significant other paid more attention to you, you wouldn’t have to say anything. Well let me tell you, most boys don’t notice emotional connections as well as girls…it’s not in their nature. That’s why boys will not notice you’re upset until you’re at the extreme of that upset (aka crying or screaming). Keep that in mind. Also, if you’re so upset or resentful and feel that you have to prove something, for some perceived injustice, think before you do anything. Will sleeping with that gorgeous young drummer from the local band really solve the problem?
So what makes a successful, relationship that’s monogamous? I don’t claim to be an expert, but I believe it relies on trust, openness, communication and intimacy. These things cannot be avoided. Think about it, even if you haven’t cheated, but they believe that you have…what’s the point in continuing the relationship? You will never entirely win that trust, no matter how hard you try. How can you expect a relationship to last if you can’t be open or yourself around them? How can you expect to fulfill all parts of a relationship if you don’t communicate what you want? Finally, how can you be in love with someone if you don’t have some level of intimacy?
What I do know is that once any of these things has been betrayed (particularly trust); it will sit in the back of your mind forever. Never mind their reassurances or promises that it will never happen again, you have no reason to believe them. You will be constantly suspicious, which is a high relationship-killer. Plus, it’s exhausting to always feel like you need to be aware of what your partner is doing and it just as exhausting to prove your monogamy.
From personal experience, I was once in a relationship that in my naïveté I thought was exclusive. Turns out he thought differently. He slept with someone else, and I was heartbroken. I spent a few months in limbo, feeling like a fool and letting him get away with murder. It took a while for me to build up the courage to walk away, but I did.
I’m not so naïve enough to say that love is a simple thing. It’s not, and people make mistakes. That’s okay, they are human. But the real danger emerges when you come to see those mistakes and their repercussions. There is nothing that stands as a good “excuse” for being unfaithful. We are always responsible for our actions, no matter how drunk or angry or lonely we are. Therefore, don’t try to justify the situation. And note, that if you give someone permission to cheat on you, they most likely will.
While I’ve known people to work through their differences and patch up their relationship, it’s only worth it if you want to stay together for a long time and you have something else invested in the relationship (such a child). But if there is nothing else, my best suggestion is to walk away. You’ll feel better, believe me. Best of luck to you all!