How to survive a conference

Hello everyone, well…first let me apologize for not updating on Monday. I know a few of you were concerned/upset/whatever because I have a full in box this morning. I will not be posting a weekend review this week because…well…I didn’t have a weekend. Part of working in the real world is that you give up a portion of your free time when the powers that be call for it. So this weekend, I had to give up all my regular (and irregular) adventures, and stretch my work week. My company had one of their large conferences in the city and I had to go stay at a hotel with the rest of my coworkers for the entire weekend. I had no weekend, and actually yesterday when I left the hotel, it was the first time I had stepped outside since Friday. Pretty sad huh? My schedule basically started at 5 and continued till around 10 at night, and I was kept busy the whole time. So in view of this I have decided to save some of you the hassle out there of wondering what to do the next time your company has a conference

How to survive a conference with at least some of your sanity:
I am an experienced conferencer (yes that’s a word I made up right then). Everyone one is. In a sick way, meeting up with some family (and friends) is very much like going to a conference. You have the usual chit chat about what you’re doing and how you’re getting along, combined with the more difficult questions like: who you’re going to vote for? The way that they talk is really not that much different than coworker-x from x. they really don’t care because you’re there to do something else, which is pretend that you’re a functioning working group. So inside everyone is a little survivor, but here are my personal tips anyway.

First figure out what everyone really wants.
Your boss wants you to do as much of his/her work as possible without giving you any credit or overtime pay, while your boss’s boss wants to see everyone suffer for the bottom line-don’t let this power player see you having fun. Generally the mail intern (or clerk) wants some respect and some action, while the receptionist wants to firebomb the telephone. The clients want you to hold their hands, suck their thumbs, feed them, burp them, and put them to bed- for 30% less than your initial estimate. And last but most importantly you want to get ahead without loosing your mind of self-respect. This is a good start.

Identify your conference enemies and make a game plan.
Generally speaking these are just the office enemies, but always they amplify during the conference times. Every office has them, and it’s best to avoid them during the whole conference, but sometimes…you can’t…because they happen to be (or be one of) your boss(es).

The Ass kisser
Identifying marks: syrupy smile and brown nose
Agenda: maker everyone else feel good and herself look good
Hidden agenda: make herself feel good and everyone else look bad
Her game: act like the perfect employee only in front of the boss
Your game plan: I spy. Use a hidden recorder, tape or video, to capture the real her. Then anonymously play it back on your boss’s voicemail or leave it cued up on the office VCR

The Buzz killer
Identifying marks: Wagging finger and a mug I told you so grin
Agenda: I want to protect you from getting in trouble
Hidden agenda: I want to protect myself from see3ing anyone have fun doing things I don’t have the guts to do
Her game: Guilts you into playing by her rules
Your game plan: Be a bad influence, she just hasn't turned to the dark side yet

The Bitch
Identifying marks: A sharp tongue and two faces that are pretty enough to let her get away with being mean
Agenda: I don’t care who I step on on my way to the top
Hidden agenda: I don’t care who I step on on my way to the top
Her game: I’m not being critical; I’m helping you become a better person
Your game plan: Dish it back as hard and as fast as it comes (if you show her you’re not intimidated you’ll let the air out of her bitch tire)

The Manic oppressive
Identifying marks: Sweaty brow, beady eyes, and nervous tics. Often seen hyperventilating while running from cubicle to cubicle
Agenda: I’m doing my job, which is very important
Hidden agenda: If I add tons of drama to my job maybe I’ll feel important
Her game: Turn every project into a panic party, ride the adrenaline rush, and crash and burn in you office
Your game plan: Laugh therapy the mores stressed and panicked she acts, the more you laugh at the absurdity of her behavior, until she gets it and gets off your back

The Sweet Holy airhead
Identifying marks: Wide eyes that constantly seem to stare at the ceiling, and a very innocent voice
Agenda: I just don’t get some things, but I’m trying to understand
Hidden agenda: Get paid and not do any work by acting really clueless but be really sweet so no one can hate me for it
Her game: Whenever a big project comes up claims she doesn’t know how to do some things, despite the fact that she has done it before. And comes up with a million and one excuses, all the while being obnoxiously sweet, to not do something
Your game plan: Long term planning. When you know a project is coming hand it to her immediately. If she says she doesn’t know how to do it, just say: oh don’t worry, today will be a test and learn day. Tomorrow you’ll start on *blank*. If you give her an entire day to “figure it out”, she won’t have an excuse. Remember to keep checking in on her throughout the day.

How to deal with annoying clients/guests at your conference:
Unfortunately you’re going to have a lot of face time with the “customers” of your conference. There will be shouting, there will be cursing, there will be bitchiness in male and female form. How do you not explode? Well it just takes a sly sense of smooth talk. Remember always be pleasant about what you’re talking about, because then they won’t be able to yell at you for being mean or rude. And you come off as being really very helpful…when you’re not.

They say: You Say:

Will you get me a cup of coffee?

I would love to. At my old job I used to get it all

the time, but then I developed this nervous

twitch (I think I’m allergic to the coffee

grounds) and I spilled it allover myself and my

boss. I hope her burns are better than mine.

Would you read this form for me and highlight the best parts?
No problem. But I’m so hung over right now and I’m seeing two of you.

Could you hold onto my luggage in the closet space?
Okay, sure. But I should probably tell you I was locked in a closet for eight days as a child and small spaces give me violent flashbacks.

Where is X?

I think that they’re over there (point them in the

direction of the staff kitchen exit just as dinner is

being served).

Can I get reimbursed for (x) in my case, cookie?
Just sing, "Money Money Money"

Could you please accompany me to the Smithsonian so I don't get lost?

I don’t think that’s an effective use of my time, do you?

Finish gracefully…always:
Yes you can be a bit neurotic, but sometimes you need to tone down your own “weird” factor. That is of course if you want to keep the job that you have. But that doesn’t mean that you have to morph into the office ass-kisser to get through everything. Just remember to smile and ask a lot of questions. Most people just LOOOOVE talking about themselves, so if you get them going they’ll never stop. Then you can go into automatic mode and just tune out a bit before you feel that enough time has lapsed. At that point you wait till the right moment and say: well it’s great to *meet you/see you again/talk to you* I have to really quickly check on *dinner/the registration table/the collection box*. I hope I see you later. Really you don’t mean it, but they feel like you do, and they’ll be happy to drift off again. Simply because they’ll feel so damn good about talking to themselves, and about talking to a little person…which gives them their fix of (I’m an excellent person) dose of denial.

Well that is all for now on how to surive a conference. I'll be sure to post more as I go through more of them.

How to save a rotten day

We all have them, and I'm no exception. I normally get up at around 5 am to start my day in order to squeeze in everything that I've been must for that day. It's a pain in the ass, but it seems to be working so far. However... I'm not a drill instructor and as such I don't have the discipline to be extremely repetitive. Plus...I'm not very good at constant routine. I need and enjoy change. And I've noticed that once you get a job, the next thing you'll want is a way to get out of going. All of this combined just leads to a rotten day. So how do you turn around a really rotten day? I have many things that I do when I'm feeling not like myself.

Create Mantras: yes it seems silly. But it really helps I think. It makes you feel kinda dumb and goofy, which helps when you don't want to take anything seriously anyway. For example... today, for no real reason I shouted "Left hand green!" To me that just means to let go and just have fun.

Sit in the park and people watch: you can come up with a lot of things about people. For example girls that have long and perfectly straight hair always think they're saying "I'm a classic beauty". What it really says about them is that they are really just a total snot. Or girls that wear baby pigtails. They generally think that they're saying "Oh look at me I'm so crazy cute!" Really it just says I'm just plain crazy.

Take a walk. Sometimes it's the best way to just get out of your own head when you immerse yourself in a complete crowd.

Smile insanely. I mentioned this one earlier on in the blog. I'm telling you....try it.

phone someone: call up someone that you know will always make you feel better no matter what. For me it's always been a hand full of people that just seem to know the right thing to say

Go get a hug: I'm not a very touchy feely person, but sometimes it feels good to just hug someone. This also goes for when you should just hang out with people that love you and that you love back. It's amazing how just being with them helps you out. Even if you're doing completely stupid, like drawing on each other, it's a great way to feel better.

look: Go look at things that you really like in stores and plot ways to get it.

Buy streetsense: this is a DC thing, but there are a couple of homeless guys around that sell you newspapers. It's a great idea, a non-profit called street sense prints out the newspapers, then give them to homeless people to sell. The homeless people then get to keep a portion of the credit. I love it because it employs people, and most of the homeless that sell it are really just looking to be productive while they find a way out. A lot of them are great to talk to, and they always are really pleasant. I love buying it from them...even though I honestly don't read the articles.

Go to florists shop: Sometimes just looking at green helps you to feel better. I go in and buy myself some flowers. I deserve a little love to myself

Get some good food: I tend to get a little edgy if I'm hungry. Diabetics go through the same thing (though I'm not a diabetic). Their blood sugar gets low and it swings around their mood. I find that sometimes I feel better when I just take a bite of something I really like. Today was some Kookabura Licorice...mmmmm!

Watch birds: they are so simple and just a lot of fun. They're like miniature people, and you can always tell a character from the others.

Plot: I sometimes sit in the park (even when it's freezing outside) and just sit around and plot things. Most of the time when I sit down on good days, I just plot about squirrels...how to get them drunk, how to catapult them out a yard, how to make them really really dizzy....

stretch or go take a nap: For the same reason as grabbing a bite to eat, sometimes an off balance set of emotions is because you're just really tired. I can't take a nap in my office, but if you can you should. It's healthier and will help you get through the rest of the day. I close the door to my office and just stretch around or sit really quietly.

Listen to some music: But remember to keep it upbeat. You're not helping anyone feel better by being mopey. Or watch a movie; again with the upbeat material there. I know that Requiem for a dream is an awesome movie, but it's really really depressing.

Read some poetry: Even write your own, or create something. I like to do this a lot. I'll make cards, write letters, draw a picture, or just make something origami. I am not an origami wizard (far from it), but it distracts me. Sometimes I'll even make lists...since I really like to make them (I love Thursdays anyone?) and normally these "sad" lists are just things that I want to do.

Go to a bar: sometimes you just want a good drink

Dance: I dance around a lot in my room. It feels really stupid sometimes but if you force yourself through the stupid parts you eventually get to enjoy it.

Make faces at nothing and no one: I'm making one right now probably

Pamper yourself. Go brush your teeth (hey! at least you'll have good teeth right?) or just soak in a hot tub with a cup of tea and a good book. Light some candles too if you like or replace the bulb with an dark light, that's always fun.

There are tons of other things that I do when I'm having just a completely horrible day (and one day I'll share more with you), but for now I'm going to go out for a walk myself, to plot about the squirrels and people watch.

A-CUPCAKE-MINI!!! --> Things to do in an office meeting:

Office meetings…ugggh….everyone hates them whether or not they admit it. You have to sit there in a room that is generally too cold in the winter and too hot in the summer. Not to mention you always have to smile no matter who sits next to you, even if you can’t stand the person. Unfortunately they are essential in the 9 to 5 world. My experience with office meetings is actually a pretty long one. Office meetings are really just long lectures, like the kind you have in college. Sometimes you give the presentation, sometimes you watch, but always you’re thinking “I could be doing anything else than this”. But there are ways to get through it.

Now I am not telling you that all meetings are useless, there’s always some measure of attention you must pay to a meeting. They wouldn’t call them if there wasn’t something that they specifically wanted you to hear. However, some offices *ahem-mine* have a habit of calling staff office meetings every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. For an entire hour of my life I’m stuck in a room where most people just repeat what they said the day before. Here are some amusing tips to get through them.

Multi-task thinking: View meetings as unofficial social mixers where men and women of all levels get to come to check each other out while pretending to do business. Here is where you try to form a coherent sentence while at the same time imagining the most random, obscure things about the other person. For example, try explaining your recent project (for the ump-teenth time) to a colleague while at the same time imagining that person nibbling an earlobe, or dancing The Macarena.

The busy-bee: if you’re one of the few that receive a company blackberry, send yourself a million texts and leave the phone on vibrate. Make sure that there is an appropriate amount of time that the phone rests on the table by making sure that it doesn’t go off in your hand. Keep reaching for it, and clicking one button and then putting it down immediately. People will always thing you’re super busy if your phone is always going off.

Attention rush: Some people get the urge to sleep after hearing the same information again and again. This is actually natural, as the brain when stimulated with repetitive information will filter it like your spam filter in your email. The natural response to this, since you’re sitting down, is to go into temporary standby phase. The trick to not slumping down your head and napping make eye contact with anyone! You’re less inclined to fall asleep and you look really intense as you stare into the speaker’s eyes and make your coworkers think that you’re onto something new.

Gym-Gym-boree! : Work on some muscles baby! Flex those buns, tighten those abs! Not only will you stay awake, but most people won’t even notice that you’re doing a mini-workout.

Bring a notebook: Bring a notebook to the meeting and start scribbling. This helps if you have bad handwriting since no one will even attempt to read your notes. But, you’ll look super productive and get brownie points for making whoever is talking feel important, and whoever is watching like an ass. Of course you’re really writing about anything but what the person is talking about

Have fun: girls….rub, release, rub, release…repeat. Dare to go as far as you will. Sorry guys, but just know that at least ONE girl in the room is doing it, let your imagination soar.

Spin your pencil: You may drop it a million times during the meeting, but you’ll have a super cool skill that everyone else around will want to do. I’m serious! Try it, swirl and spin your pen around your fingers like a baton, pretend you’re only interested in what the speaker is saying and take side glances at the people around you. You’ll notice that they’re starting to twirl their own while watching your movements.

I will probably think of a few more while in my own staff meeting

Today's TIP: Runaway Emails

Part of being in the working world, is to make some mistakes with email. There have been many instances where you email someone and A. they get the wrong idea from the email, or B. you didn't mean for them to get that particular email. Either way you goofed royally. So how do you avoid this mayhem, or in some cases patch it up?

Separate your personal emails from your professional emails. Don't email out of your work place email (ex outlook). Your boss can read it later if they search your computer and it also keeps things really simple to just know that everything coming in that inbox is strictly professional. Use your personal emails from an online email account, such as gmail.

Skip the excuses if you did mess up. No matter how hard you try, you can't go back and change what you already sent, so don't bother trying to cover it up. Avoid excuses and just be sincere. If you wrote a bitchy email about a project because you're secretly upset you're not managing it, suck it up and say so. Hey, you'll probably get brownie points for being so honest, and it shows a certain amount of maturity to just face it.

Don't email people back with the "I'm Sorry" email. There's no accounting for tone and emotion in an email, so forget about putting your apology in writing. Sorry can come off as flippant in a written form...and even sometimes angry if you use caps or anything else to emphasize your words. Pick up the phone, or walk over to the office...put your tail between your legs and fess up.
And finally...just be patient. Your email may cause your pal, boss or whoever to write you off, but chances are they'd like to forget the incident as much as you would. So give them time. In the meantime don't beat yourself up over it. Move on and do your job (if it was at work) or continue the friendship (if it was a friend)--eventually, the sting will wear off