Dating Mr. Big

As I mentioned in my last post, I dated a guy who had lots of money. I'm talking about...lots. Now none of it was his money, it was all his family's...and even that I'm betting actually came from some scandal in his home country (I won't get into the politics of where his money came from). But my love affair with, I'll call him Andre, began one night when I answered the phone and a very bold, pleasing voice stuttered an awkward hello. I was flattered. I had met him at a small party held by another well-to-do friend of mine and I never thought I would receive a personal call from him. He was very smooth, and had a million and one women all over him at the party. So naturally I was shocked when he called me.

A whirlwind first date followed, and then a heady courtship that lasted on and off for a few months, until I found myself in a painful triangle with the woman who was to become his fiance. He's still out there I assume, splashing money about, if he hasn't been arrested for something. As for me, I've moved out on my own where I am working like a regular girl, in a regular life, in a regular city. While I've put Andre far behind me. I've never forgotten the lessons I learned from dating a big shot:

1. If a man asks you to meet him in New York for your first date, run- but not to New York.

Who doesn't love a bold romantic gesture? Just don't ignore the red flags: Andre did indeed pay for me to go to New York for our first date, later he bought me jewelry, and paid for a million and one things. Perhaps all of that blinded me to the difference between us, and the fact that he had recently broken up with his first fiance and was in no way ready for a relationship.

2. Greed is not good for a relationship.
I remember Andre saying things like "Thousands is not enough, I want to have more when I am on my own". Once he said he'd have to sell part of his "empire". OK, Obi-Wan. Too much success can give a guy confidence- which normally isn't bad, but so much so that they start dating multiple people because they think they deserve it. And that's exactly what Andre did.

3. If it seems like he has something to hide, trust your gut, he has something to hide. Andre was always very shady. He constantly was asking who strangers were and didn't like it when I helped other people because that made him nervous...and not in the good protective way but because he would then think I had something against him. Later on, experience proved that he was a pretty shifty guy that I really shouldn't have been involved in.

4. When friends don't have anything nice to say about your boyfriend, listen.

People, that weren't apart of Andre's "crowd", found him arrogant, cruel and cold. Even though they were my friends, and yes they weren't the top cream layer of DC, Andre would treat them with disdain. They were worth more than he was, and it showed he really had no respect for people.

5. You really can learn from every experience.

Andre encouraged me to improve myself, without changing exactly who I was; to never forget the lessons that my family had taught me, and I thank him for those things. I now know how to distinguish people that actually care for me and people that are just using me for something. He also made me realize that if you do something wrong it's important to own up to it early on, and I have learned the value of being loyal, not only to yourself, but to your friends and the people you care about.

Getting over the K-fed Syndrome

Good morning to you all. I am trying to be very good on the updating regular scheme, and getting back to all your emails and replying as much as I can. So in response to a gathering of emails that I received the other day, I'm making today "wake up romantic Tuesday". What is on today's menu? well now, you'll just have to see now won't you?

"I'm a nice guy that treats women well, and I wouldn't say I'm necessarily hideous. But can somebody explain to me why, for the sake of all nice guys, women keep dating these jerks?"

Oh boy, let me tell you. This one is tough and I get a lot of emails about it and I've written a few articles on the topic before. (They're all labeled under advice if you like). But I'll take a shot at explaining what I call the K-Fed Syndrome. Remember when Brittany spears was a symbol...and seemingly normal? Well, what the hell was it with Kevin Federline? After that I think everything went downhill from there. Anyway, I digress. K-Fed Syndrome...when a normal girl dates an asshole.

The best way to describe it is to use a story. Last week I went out to happy hour with my friend Rachel. I hadn't seen her in a while, so I didn't mind at all that she wanted to bring her boyfriend to drinks. The first thing she told me about him was "He's not as bad as he seems". Talk about an endorsement. When we walked into her apt, I saw this moderately good looking guy sitting on the couch. He rolled his eyeballs toward me, rolled them around my body, and then rolled them back toward the football game rerun on ESPN2. He reminded me of an annoying teenage boy. Throughout all of chatting and catching up, Rachel would do all these things for him, practically mother him. He complained he was hungry and when dinner was going to be. So to keep him busy while we drank our wine she brought him over a bowl of tortilla chips, salsa and chicken wings, and he responded with: "That's it?", and then eat it angrily. While it was nice to see her again, it was a pain to see her with someone like him, and the more I thought about Teenager Man on the train ride home, the more pissed off I got, because Stephanie isn't the only woman I know who gravitates towards dickweeds. I'll admit, I've been the one that has done this in the past. I have dated some people who, at the time were the apples of my eyes, but were probably not the best choice.

I used to date a rich guy, who came from a really rich family. He made sure that at least half of our conversations were about him, and how he has more talent in his little finger than anyone else we knew had in their entire body. At the time, I'm not sure he even knew what I did in my free time, or what I liked. Then there's my friend Mary, who's gorgeous, and her boyfriend seems to ogle every female in the room except her.

In all these cases, my friends have been in their relationships for so long that they don't even realize they're dating down. By this I don't mean dating a guy who's less successful- a woman could earn quadruple her guy's income and as long as he treats her well, I'm all for it. But if you've ever said what Rachel said to me recently - I just have to learn not to expect so much, emotionally- you are in danger. If you make excuses for him like I guess I wouldn't want a guy who's too romantic, and you're a romantic at heart, then you're dating down.

I've tried to understand this, and I went through all my memories of past relationships. I even asked lots of friends to get their input, and I can only say that it's the very smart, capable women who are moderately successful that date down precisely because they're used to being successful. I'll quote someone: "I just figure I can turn any bad situation around by trying harder. It's a vicious cycle: Once you date a few bad apples, you come to think that's all you can expect. You get demoralized, and that just attracts more of the wrong kind".

This is what I've got to say: no...you are not supposed to want to FIX the person that you date. Sure change is good, and it's inevitable in a couple, but stop trying to fix someone. Also, remember relationships aren't supposed to suck. They are hard, and they need constant work. But they are not supposed to downright suck. You deserve to be loved, to be paid attention to, to gaze across the room, see your boyfriend and think God, am I lucky to be with that guy, and know that he's thinking the same thing about you. If you ever feel like you're not getting that out of your relationship; that mutual happiness then it's time to get out.

As I write this one of my friends, relates to me his experience with having been the loser boyfriend. "When I was dating Alison, I still had some growing up to do. One night she was trying to talk about how our relationship might be more satisfying for both of us if we communicated better. And I actually asked her, 'Can we talk about this during the commercials? 24's on now'. I wanted the sex and the companionship that came with having a girlfriend- but not the work. I wish now that Alison had told me to go home and watch my own TV, but instead she sighed and said, 'Ok'. While my behavior was never her fault, she might have been surprised at what a good kick in the ass would have done for me. Luckily the next few women I dated gave me just that, and I shaped up considerably. That's why I say to any girl, my future girlfriend included: if you want me to be an excellent boyfriend, accept nothing less".

Now while this is all very very moving, and empowering...I encourage you all to stop before you go on a power pout. Think about what you want and what is achievable. It's great if men could become godlike, but they aren't gods...and it's unfair to want them to be. If you're with a good guy now, and say he doesn't get to see you all the time, be sure you tell him, but remember that he's trying his best probably. Decent guys will try to make improvements but they can't accomplish Herculean efforts. Sure you can always find prettier, handsomer, skinnier, sexier, wiser, richer, younger or zippier. But more often than not, one might learn the most, laugh the loudest, and smile the widest with those they've already found, especially when they stop looking elsewhere. And guys, remember the same goes for you. Follow the greatest rule: do to others, what you'd like to be done to you.

What to say (and not say) in a date

So I’ve been getting a lot of people asking me what to say and what not to say to someone that they’re interested in. I’ll be honest; it’s very difficult to tell you absolute truths with this because every single person is different. However, I was sent a suggestion from one of you asking me if this article was correct. It’s an article from the MSN homepage that says “What not to say or do in the presence of a woman”. I’ll give you my thoughts on it.

1. Don’t reveal how much your car cost. This is true for me. I may not be a mechanic, but I can tell when a car cost a lot a when a car doesn’t. If you have a nice car, you have a nice car. There’s no reason to boast about it, because frankly I don’t care. It makes you seem like you’re trying so hard to impress me with money…you may very well be, but simply showing me your expensive car is enough…and you get points for not being arrogant about it. Also, why draw attention to your car? We’re on a date with you, not with your car.

2. Don’t clean your gun. This is a half truth. On the first date, yeah it may not be such a good idea. You come off as a little bit psycho. But…if you do own a gun, be sure you tell the girl on the first date. How would you like to be really into a girl, and then she suddenly shouts “ha ha I’m a man!”. It’s not necessarily the same thing here, but what if she doesn’t like guns…she would get the same reaction. If she doesn’t mind, perhaps you could show her how to clean it on another date. Base line, just don’t do it on your first date.

3. Polish high school trophies (which you still have displayed). True.

4. Refer to your mother as your best friend. True.

5. Rap. Unless you’re at karaoke, or trying to make us laugh, true.

6. Check out our assistant/roommate/the baby-sitter. Do it without us noticing (if you must), because nothing is more annoying than trying to impress someone, when they’re too busy checking someone else out.

7. Question our footwear. True. If we are regretting our decision, don’t rub our face in it.

8. Blow-dry your hair. Meh, it’s not so bad…so long as you don’t take longer than we do.

9. Tip less than 20 percent. Most of us, at some point, have been a waitress and know what it’s like. Show some class, and be nice...unless the service was really really bad.

10. Celebrity impressions. They can be kinda grating.

11. Impressions of us. True.

12. Forget to carry cash. True.

13. Flip it, flop it, swing it around, tug on it, adjust it, scratch it, or do anything that will give us the impression that it’s just an appendage and not a mystical source of pleasure and satisfaction. True.

14. Wii. Not true. I’ve had plenty of times where this was a lot of fun. But not recommended for the frist date, and if you do show her your wii…let it be something she can do too.

15. Scream—at the dog, at the guy who just stole your parking spot, at Bill Belichick. True, no matter how much that person/thing deserves it, when we hear you raise your voice, we have an idea of what we're in for.

16. Talk about former exploits. Ever. Some girls find this true. I personally don’t care. You wouldn’t be on a date with me if you didn’t like me a little bit. So long as you don’t go into so many details. The time you’re entering the danger zone is if you start comparing me and them. Example: No- I used to date a girl that liked me to pull her hair. Yes- I used to date someone that was a vegetarian. No- My last girlfriend didn’t eat fish like you do.

17. Use the words bitch, slut, tramp, or whore. True, unless referring to another man.

18. Tell us you're going to kiss us. Not true. Women like mystery and the whole, dark and handsome stranger thing. Be a man and go for it. But if she pulls away, back off immediately and apologize. Also, remember, a kiss is a kiss…tonsil hockey is tonsil hockey…learn the difference.

First dates

I received an email the other day from someone I don’t know personally, and first let me say that I am flattered you contacted me But I thought it was important because I’ve seen and heard my guy friends say the same thing. Anyway here goes:

“I’m usually nervous around girls, but finally worked up the courage to talk to a girl I like and asked her out. Now we have plans to do something next week, and I have no idea what to do or where to take her. Help!”

It would seem that I caused a furor a little while ago with my article on “How to be a gentleman”, and quite by surprise too. For the longest time, I was of the opinion that guys were just a little scared of using their manners, but I never realized the level this fear had reached. Amongst other things, I covered in that article how to be nice and respectful to a perfect stranger and even break the ice. I’m now being turned to for advice on the next step once you have a girl’s attention: the dreaded first date.

Understandably, preparations for a first date are a time of extreme nervousness and worry. First impressions do, in fact, count. Ask any couple if they remember the instant they saw their partner for the very first time and I bet they remember all sorts of minute details. So of course, you’ll need to make sure you’re looking and smelling your best when the night in question rolls around. However, planning a date actually requires starting at the end and planning backwards, so you first need to work out what you’re going to do and then organize accordingly.

Coming up with some sort of activity is the hardest part. I remember the first time I actually had a date after I got out of a long term relationship a few years back. I was with someone I barely knew. We had just met and hadn’t really talked yet. Young and naïve, I took him on the regulation dinner-movie date. It was such a disaster. There was forced, awkward conversation over a boring dinner at an ordinary café. We sat quite uncomfortably next to each other at the cinema and watched the movie. And predictably, it ended in even more awkward stammering and actions when he dropped me off home afterwards. Needless to say, I didn’t return the phone-call for a second date.

Learn from my mistakes, gentlemen! That kind of formal, rigid first date stuff doesn’t always cut it. So, don’t just dinner and movie date her and think you’re rocking her world. Personally, I think the dinner and movie date is better as a second date. If you think you might like this girl, spend some time seeing what will make the date fun and enjoyable. What is she into? What does she like? You want the date to be fun; it’s as simple as that. As long as she has a good time and you both laugh and enjoy yourselves, it will be a success. This is where some subtle homework will help you out.

Since you’ve asked this girl out, I’m going to assume that you’ve at least had a reasonable amount of conversation with her, and not just blurted out an invite to some random girl at a bar you though you felt a connection with. I have to say that I wouldn’t recommend pulling out all the stops for a really romantic date with someone you’ve just met. Casually catching with her away from the flowing alcohol and blaring dance music is a much better way to get to know each other before you decide whether you’d like to spend more time as something more than friends. I think actual dates should be reserved for people you have a proven connection with. And this first, informal step is where you’ll get you inspiration for your “real date”.

I’m frankly a little reluctant to give you the following piece of advice, but in this modern day it is a viable and very common option. If you want to learn more about them to make sure a date is going to be special or to draw some inspiration of what they like, you can always have a quick peek at they MySpace or facebook profile. These sites can be good to double check their taste in music, beliefs and politics. It can be very useful to look them up and see, for example, that her political or religious views are completely opposite to yours, thus saving you the embarrassment and the uncomfortable silences when you actually spend time together. Just try and keep an open mind- opposites attract they say. Don’t write her off straight away just because she has written something strange like “recycling sucks” on her profile. Maybe she’ll open your mind and you’ll lean new things.

Please though, promise me you won’t overdo it and become some psycho online stalker. It’s perfectly acceptable to have a quick poke around to check some details but it’s something else all together to have snooped around all her photos, memorized her list of favorite authors, checked out her friends and made notes of her jokes. Chill out a bit. It’s pretty easy to go overboard, and sites like these can really kill the mystery. I think the best part of dating someone new and those first few months is getting to learn about them, hearing stories and building a relationship. You get to meet the special people in their lives, discover you both have a secret love an obscure band, that kind of thing. Doing too much homework is going to completely destroy all of those awesome moments, and thing and you’ll come across as really really creepy.

So casnova, still no ideas? Here are some suggestions:

• Make a picnic and take her to an awesome park in the autumn. Eat great food and jump in piles of leaves.
• Hire two bikes and find a lake or a nice part of the city to ride around
• Weather permitting, buy a huge ice cream sundae and share it.
• Look up if your city has a “cinema in the park” event over summer and let her pick the movie.
• If she’s an artistic gal, take her to the local gallery and ask her to pick her favorite pieces.
• Buy two tickets for a band that’s coming, and you happen to know she likes. Bonus points if you snag an autograph.
  

Whatever you do, just make sure it’s something memorable, interesting and fun. Something that allows her to be herself, while also allowing her to see the real you.
Good luck!

The mysteries of Love

Well I've given in. So many of you have sent me so many requests for a Valentine’s Day post. So I gave in. But let me tell you, this is not going to be some Valentine’s Day post which tells you all about my feelings. Rather, it's going to be a post about the science of love. Enjoy, and happy heart day. Also just as a side note I encourage all of you to read the studies that I mention, they are truly fascinating.

What rules attraction?
In general, you gravitate toward people like you. good-looking people tend to go for similarly good-looking types, and those from a particular socioeconomic background favor their own. Experts believe this happens because perceived equality contributes to a stable union. Well known actresses pair up with rock stars, for example, because such men tend to be as rich and famous as they are. But once you get past the bone structure and bank account and into personality attributes, opposites often attract. "We’re apt to falling love with those who are mysterious and challenging to us" says Fisher, a professor of anthropology at Rutgers University. "This pull to another biological type could also be adaptive, if two very different people pool their DNA, they'll create more genetic variety, and their young will come to the job of parenting with a wider array of skills" hence my friends, survival.

How much do looks count?
Physical features are important to both sexes, but a bit more so to men. This is because most of the male brain is associated with processing visual information such as threats[1]. This is also true for women, but they show more activity in the brain regions that integrate decision making, which suggests they’re thinking about a little more than just how he looks.

Is love really blind?
Hmmmm…not exactly. However, once you’re hooked on someone, your vision gets cloudy. When you’re in a relationship, you’re well aware of the other person’s flaws, but your brain is telling you it’s OK to ignore them. Recent studies at the Wellcome Department of Neuroimaging[2] in London found that when romantic partners look at each other, the part of the brain associated with social assessment and negative emotion is relatively dormant and critical judgment is dulled. According to researchers, this mechanism may have evolved to help people stick together through early, sometimes stressful child-rearing stages.

Can love be addictive?
The answer is…Yes. Brain wave patterns taken from people “in love” mimic those of an addict bent on scoring their next fix[3]. Studies have found, for instance, that serotonin levels decrease by up to 40% in the newly smitten, causing some to show signs of obsessive-compulsive disorder, a condition associated with low serotonin-which is why you can’t seem to get the other person out of your head. Additionally, cortisol, a stress hormone linked with the fight-or-flight response, is released, so you’re constantly on high alert. Sound familiar? The brain also produces excess levels of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with addictive behavior whose activity increases when you expect to receive a reward. Gamblers and drug addicts experience similar dopamine activity. In essence you’re not supposed to be satisfied with the minimum, you’re supposed to be driven so you can win the person and eventually stabilize your inner chemistry.

When a relationship ends, you experience symptoms that are similar to an addict’s withdrawal. Your dopamine levels go down, so your mood suffers. The serotonin levels remain low, so your obsessive-compulsive disorder symptoms may not go away. In response to these imbalances, risk taking tendencies go up. That’s why when you can’t have someone but you’re not willing to accept that, you try harder and become more extreme about it. Ironically though, many scientists like Fisher (mentioned above) say that this compulsive behavior may help you move on faster: either you win the person back or you drive them away.

What makes people commit?
Humans are hardwired to stick together. Intimate relationships trigger the production of oxytocin and vasopressin, chemicals that have been nicknamed “cuddle hormones”. A mere touch from a loved one can elevate their levels, and after sex they flood the system. These hormones play an important role later on in the relationship…when you really begin to notice the other person’s flaws.

Why are some more reluctant to commit than others?
Gene variation may be partly to blame for this. Scientists at Emory University looked at the effect of vasopressin in two closely related kinds of rodents- the prairie vole and the meadow vole. Like humans, the prairie vole is one of the 3% of mammalian species that form monogamous pair bonds. The meadow vole doesn’t. But when male meadow voles were injected with a gene responsible for releasing vasopressin receptors, they immediately lost their wanderlust, paired up and settled down.

The number of vasopressin receptors is what most researchers think lay the foundation for commitment. Which in my opinion makes sense. Think about the “great long loves” out there. There’s something more to a couple that stays together for 50 years, and it’s hard to imagine that it’s just a question of compatible personalities or strict beliefs.

Does love make you more trusting?
Those “in love” do tend to see the world through rose colored glasses. An experiment at the national institute of mental health (NIMH[4]) in DC, found that subjects who inhaled oxytocin before looking at pictures of threatening faces had markedly lower activity in their brains fear centers. In addition to this a game in which subjects were given a sum of money to invest with a trustee, either in a lump sum or piecemeal, was set up. Anything given to the trustee would triple in value, but it was up to the subject to decide how much to turn over. Half the participants that were sprayed with oxytocin (the other half sprayed with a placebo) were twice as likely to turn all their money over to a trustee.

Why do people cheat?
I wrote an article on this a long time ago, but I never saw it through a scientific explanation. Attraction, romantic love, and attachment envolve three overlapping but separate brain systems. This means that it’s not hard for somebody to sexually desire one person, be infatuated with another, and still want to spend the rest of his or her life with a third. Because kind of love serves a unique need and exists in a different context, cheaters are able to divide their emotional resources. So what makes one more likely to cheat than the other? The answers are both inconsistent and varied. I suspect that the propensity to stray may be stronger in people who have novelty-seeking, sopamine sensitive personalities (basically addictive personalities). But there are other factors unique to the relationship-a need for attention, a desire to get out of the situation, everything I mentioned before are still likely to fuel infidelity.

Can love affect you health?
A study in Ohio State University showed that couples in good relationship tend to be healthier and happier than those that are not. Happily married couples report lower stress than single people, in part because they provide each other with emotional support in difficult times. Lower stress translates to better health and immune function. They say that people in conflict ridden relationships see that cuts and bruises heal more slowly than those that in a stable relationship. In a continuation of that study, breakups have been shown to cause physical pain. Subjects were involved in a virtual ball-tossing game. Those people rejected during the game showed activity in the pain area of their brains. This means, in evolutionary terms of course, that exclusions can be as bad for survival as a real injury, and our bodies know this. It’s part of the herd and pack instinct, if you’re alone you die.

What keeps people together?
Scientists say hormones, sociologists say hard work. I say both. Eventually the chemical activity associated with new love (high dopamine etc) dies down. This can range from 6 months to two years (depending on the initial rush). There are ways to keep the love alive, if you’re still interested at this point in keeping it. For men, sexual contact drives up dopamine levels. This is because men’s brain can only release those levels again with sexual contact due to the inherent nature of their desire to “populate” their species. For women, it is frequent physical contact, which maintain elevated oxytocin levels. Women are especially sensitive to oxytocin since it is a hormone that is linked to the “rear and raise” instinct. This is why holding hands, stroking your partner or any other kind of touch can create a feeling of attachment, and is the corner stone to her sexual arousal…aka foreplay. For both sexes however, novelty is essential, which is why you tend to feel so good about somebody after taking a trip or going through an usual experience together.


So there it is, ten reasons why we fall so hard, commit reluctantly, cheat for (or are cheated on) but are inclined to stay bonded forever.

Sources:
[1] Brizendine, Louann. The Human Brain. University of California, San Francisco. 2006
[2] http://www.vislab.ucl.ac.uk/pdf/motherlove.pdf
[3] http://www.ncpg.com/addicted_to_love.php
[4] http://www.nimh.nih.gov/science-news/2005/trust-building-hormone-short-circuits-fear-in-humans.shtml