How to survive a conference

Hello everyone, well…first let me apologize for not updating on Monday. I know a few of you were concerned/upset/whatever because I have a full in box this morning. I will not be posting a weekend review this week because…well…I didn’t have a weekend. Part of working in the real world is that you give up a portion of your free time when the powers that be call for it. So this weekend, I had to give up all my regular (and irregular) adventures, and stretch my work week. My company had one of their large conferences in the city and I had to go stay at a hotel with the rest of my coworkers for the entire weekend. I had no weekend, and actually yesterday when I left the hotel, it was the first time I had stepped outside since Friday. Pretty sad huh? My schedule basically started at 5 and continued till around 10 at night, and I was kept busy the whole time. So in view of this I have decided to save some of you the hassle out there of wondering what to do the next time your company has a conference

How to survive a conference with at least some of your sanity:
I am an experienced conferencer (yes that’s a word I made up right then). Everyone one is. In a sick way, meeting up with some family (and friends) is very much like going to a conference. You have the usual chit chat about what you’re doing and how you’re getting along, combined with the more difficult questions like: who you’re going to vote for? The way that they talk is really not that much different than coworker-x from x. they really don’t care because you’re there to do something else, which is pretend that you’re a functioning working group. So inside everyone is a little survivor, but here are my personal tips anyway.

First figure out what everyone really wants.
Your boss wants you to do as much of his/her work as possible without giving you any credit or overtime pay, while your boss’s boss wants to see everyone suffer for the bottom line-don’t let this power player see you having fun. Generally the mail intern (or clerk) wants some respect and some action, while the receptionist wants to firebomb the telephone. The clients want you to hold their hands, suck their thumbs, feed them, burp them, and put them to bed- for 30% less than your initial estimate. And last but most importantly you want to get ahead without loosing your mind of self-respect. This is a good start.

Identify your conference enemies and make a game plan.
Generally speaking these are just the office enemies, but always they amplify during the conference times. Every office has them, and it’s best to avoid them during the whole conference, but sometimes…you can’t…because they happen to be (or be one of) your boss(es).

The Ass kisser
Identifying marks: syrupy smile and brown nose
Agenda: maker everyone else feel good and herself look good
Hidden agenda: make herself feel good and everyone else look bad
Her game: act like the perfect employee only in front of the boss
Your game plan: I spy. Use a hidden recorder, tape or video, to capture the real her. Then anonymously play it back on your boss’s voicemail or leave it cued up on the office VCR

The Buzz killer
Identifying marks: Wagging finger and a mug I told you so grin
Agenda: I want to protect you from getting in trouble
Hidden agenda: I want to protect myself from see3ing anyone have fun doing things I don’t have the guts to do
Her game: Guilts you into playing by her rules
Your game plan: Be a bad influence, she just hasn't turned to the dark side yet

The Bitch
Identifying marks: A sharp tongue and two faces that are pretty enough to let her get away with being mean
Agenda: I don’t care who I step on on my way to the top
Hidden agenda: I don’t care who I step on on my way to the top
Her game: I’m not being critical; I’m helping you become a better person
Your game plan: Dish it back as hard and as fast as it comes (if you show her you’re not intimidated you’ll let the air out of her bitch tire)

The Manic oppressive
Identifying marks: Sweaty brow, beady eyes, and nervous tics. Often seen hyperventilating while running from cubicle to cubicle
Agenda: I’m doing my job, which is very important
Hidden agenda: If I add tons of drama to my job maybe I’ll feel important
Her game: Turn every project into a panic party, ride the adrenaline rush, and crash and burn in you office
Your game plan: Laugh therapy the mores stressed and panicked she acts, the more you laugh at the absurdity of her behavior, until she gets it and gets off your back

The Sweet Holy airhead
Identifying marks: Wide eyes that constantly seem to stare at the ceiling, and a very innocent voice
Agenda: I just don’t get some things, but I’m trying to understand
Hidden agenda: Get paid and not do any work by acting really clueless but be really sweet so no one can hate me for it
Her game: Whenever a big project comes up claims she doesn’t know how to do some things, despite the fact that she has done it before. And comes up with a million and one excuses, all the while being obnoxiously sweet, to not do something
Your game plan: Long term planning. When you know a project is coming hand it to her immediately. If she says she doesn’t know how to do it, just say: oh don’t worry, today will be a test and learn day. Tomorrow you’ll start on *blank*. If you give her an entire day to “figure it out”, she won’t have an excuse. Remember to keep checking in on her throughout the day.

How to deal with annoying clients/guests at your conference:
Unfortunately you’re going to have a lot of face time with the “customers” of your conference. There will be shouting, there will be cursing, there will be bitchiness in male and female form. How do you not explode? Well it just takes a sly sense of smooth talk. Remember always be pleasant about what you’re talking about, because then they won’t be able to yell at you for being mean or rude. And you come off as being really very helpful…when you’re not.

They say: You Say:

Will you get me a cup of coffee?

I would love to. At my old job I used to get it all

the time, but then I developed this nervous

twitch (I think I’m allergic to the coffee

grounds) and I spilled it allover myself and my

boss. I hope her burns are better than mine.

Would you read this form for me and highlight the best parts?
No problem. But I’m so hung over right now and I’m seeing two of you.

Could you hold onto my luggage in the closet space?
Okay, sure. But I should probably tell you I was locked in a closet for eight days as a child and small spaces give me violent flashbacks.

Where is X?

I think that they’re over there (point them in the

direction of the staff kitchen exit just as dinner is

being served).

Can I get reimbursed for (x) in my case, cookie?
Just sing, "Money Money Money"

Could you please accompany me to the Smithsonian so I don't get lost?

I don’t think that’s an effective use of my time, do you?

Finish gracefully…always:
Yes you can be a bit neurotic, but sometimes you need to tone down your own “weird” factor. That is of course if you want to keep the job that you have. But that doesn’t mean that you have to morph into the office ass-kisser to get through everything. Just remember to smile and ask a lot of questions. Most people just LOOOOVE talking about themselves, so if you get them going they’ll never stop. Then you can go into automatic mode and just tune out a bit before you feel that enough time has lapsed. At that point you wait till the right moment and say: well it’s great to *meet you/see you again/talk to you* I have to really quickly check on *dinner/the registration table/the collection box*. I hope I see you later. Really you don’t mean it, but they feel like you do, and they’ll be happy to drift off again. Simply because they’ll feel so damn good about talking to themselves, and about talking to a little person…which gives them their fix of (I’m an excellent person) dose of denial.

Well that is all for now on how to surive a conference. I'll be sure to post more as I go through more of them.

How to save a rotten day

We all have them, and I'm no exception. I normally get up at around 5 am to start my day in order to squeeze in everything that I've been must for that day. It's a pain in the ass, but it seems to be working so far. However... I'm not a drill instructor and as such I don't have the discipline to be extremely repetitive. Plus...I'm not very good at constant routine. I need and enjoy change. And I've noticed that once you get a job, the next thing you'll want is a way to get out of going. All of this combined just leads to a rotten day. So how do you turn around a really rotten day? I have many things that I do when I'm feeling not like myself.

Create Mantras: yes it seems silly. But it really helps I think. It makes you feel kinda dumb and goofy, which helps when you don't want to take anything seriously anyway. For example... today, for no real reason I shouted "Left hand green!" To me that just means to let go and just have fun.

Sit in the park and people watch: you can come up with a lot of things about people. For example girls that have long and perfectly straight hair always think they're saying "I'm a classic beauty". What it really says about them is that they are really just a total snot. Or girls that wear baby pigtails. They generally think that they're saying "Oh look at me I'm so crazy cute!" Really it just says I'm just plain crazy.

Take a walk. Sometimes it's the best way to just get out of your own head when you immerse yourself in a complete crowd.

Smile insanely. I mentioned this one earlier on in the blog. I'm telling you....try it.

phone someone: call up someone that you know will always make you feel better no matter what. For me it's always been a hand full of people that just seem to know the right thing to say

Go get a hug: I'm not a very touchy feely person, but sometimes it feels good to just hug someone. This also goes for when you should just hang out with people that love you and that you love back. It's amazing how just being with them helps you out. Even if you're doing completely stupid, like drawing on each other, it's a great way to feel better.

look: Go look at things that you really like in stores and plot ways to get it.

Buy streetsense: this is a DC thing, but there are a couple of homeless guys around that sell you newspapers. It's a great idea, a non-profit called street sense prints out the newspapers, then give them to homeless people to sell. The homeless people then get to keep a portion of the credit. I love it because it employs people, and most of the homeless that sell it are really just looking to be productive while they find a way out. A lot of them are great to talk to, and they always are really pleasant. I love buying it from them...even though I honestly don't read the articles.

Go to florists shop: Sometimes just looking at green helps you to feel better. I go in and buy myself some flowers. I deserve a little love to myself

Get some good food: I tend to get a little edgy if I'm hungry. Diabetics go through the same thing (though I'm not a diabetic). Their blood sugar gets low and it swings around their mood. I find that sometimes I feel better when I just take a bite of something I really like. Today was some Kookabura Licorice...mmmmm!

Watch birds: they are so simple and just a lot of fun. They're like miniature people, and you can always tell a character from the others.

Plot: I sometimes sit in the park (even when it's freezing outside) and just sit around and plot things. Most of the time when I sit down on good days, I just plot about squirrels...how to get them drunk, how to catapult them out a yard, how to make them really really dizzy....

stretch or go take a nap: For the same reason as grabbing a bite to eat, sometimes an off balance set of emotions is because you're just really tired. I can't take a nap in my office, but if you can you should. It's healthier and will help you get through the rest of the day. I close the door to my office and just stretch around or sit really quietly.

Listen to some music: But remember to keep it upbeat. You're not helping anyone feel better by being mopey. Or watch a movie; again with the upbeat material there. I know that Requiem for a dream is an awesome movie, but it's really really depressing.

Read some poetry: Even write your own, or create something. I like to do this a lot. I'll make cards, write letters, draw a picture, or just make something origami. I am not an origami wizard (far from it), but it distracts me. Sometimes I'll even make lists...since I really like to make them (I love Thursdays anyone?) and normally these "sad" lists are just things that I want to do.

Go to a bar: sometimes you just want a good drink

Dance: I dance around a lot in my room. It feels really stupid sometimes but if you force yourself through the stupid parts you eventually get to enjoy it.

Make faces at nothing and no one: I'm making one right now probably

Pamper yourself. Go brush your teeth (hey! at least you'll have good teeth right?) or just soak in a hot tub with a cup of tea and a good book. Light some candles too if you like or replace the bulb with an dark light, that's always fun.

There are tons of other things that I do when I'm having just a completely horrible day (and one day I'll share more with you), but for now I'm going to go out for a walk myself, to plot about the squirrels and people watch.

How to be a Gentleman:
This morning I was on the metro along with the thousands of other 9 to 5ers, getting ready to trudge through another day, I witnessed at least a dozen strapping young men standing around idle as an old lady tried to drag her packed wheelie case down the escalators and onto the train. Totally appalled, I stood up from my seat (which, incidentally, was snapped up immediately by another selfish, slack jawed human bystander), walked past everyone and lifted the wheelie up into the train just before the doors closed on it. It took me five seconds and minimal effort, but she was so surprised and so grateful for it. Everyone around me looked at me strangely, like I was some freak of nature.

It got me thinking though — I’ve always been told that while I am on an equal playing field with men, I am still a woman and it is, in a sense, my duty to be ladylike when a man is a gentleman towards you. I remember a time when guys held doors open, said ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, and charming men gave up their seats for the elderly, a pregnant lady, or someone who just looked like they’d had a rough day.

So what the hell happened? Well, believe it or not, but my male friends actually do voice their confusion and frustration after dates or nights out with friends, about not knowing what to say to a girl or how to act to show them they are actually a genuinely nice guy. They want to be pleasant, nice, and funny but don’t want to be dismissed as just ANOTHER guy with only one thing on their mind. They want to be polite, but not offensive. In essence, they want to be a gentleman.

See, chivalry’s not dead. It just got confused. With the push of equal opportunity and political correctness, I think most guys have the right intentions. It’s really easy sometimes to offend a girl just by being polite — as stupid as that sounds. Some guys unfortunately have good intentions, but come on way too strong or don’t know how to deliver. Others only use politeness as a way to pick up chicks, thus ruining it for everyone. The remainder? Well, they’re just jerks.
So here’s my guide to being the perfect modern gentleman. I say modern, because there are several things that have since my upbringing have become outdated, or are just impractical. For example, I was always told that a gentleman stands up whenever a lady at the table stands up. While in formal settings this is still somewhat of a requirement, it is no longer something everyone does if you’re hanging out in a restaurant. It’s actually ineffectual as you can easily get in the way of the person trying to leave. So this is just a quickie guide, in the hope that everyone can exercise some of this in the real world, and foretell the comeback of nice gestures and gallantry.

First Impressions:
A gentleman takes care of his appearance. This does not mean that you have to dress in the best clothes with precise knowledge of the latest trends. It just means that you’re presentable and give the best first impression that you can give. Now you can stick to your personal style if you like, but just remember the basics: Clean teeth, Fresh Breath, groomed hair (In various orifices on your body), clean nails, deodorant, clean clothes, and healthy skin (not flaking or chapped because its dry…no one wants to kiss someone that reminds them of a leper…well unless you’re into that).
You know that amazing feeling when you’re out somewhere and a cute girl flashes you a smile? Now nothing necessarily can come from it, and she might be down the road and around the corner by the time your brain’s caught up with the rest of you. But it’s still nice to have an acknowledgement that a cute girl thinks you look nice, or dress nice, or that she digs your shoes, so you must be worth the effort. Newsflash, superstud! Girls get that same amazing feeling if you smile at them first! And it’s the simplest, easiest, cheapest nice gesture you can give.

It’s all about delivery though, and I think this is the biggest problem guys face. Girls are scary. We’re like sharks in the water, we smell fear. I can see how guys are afraid of us; especially the ones they think are cute. I know tons of guys that have loads of stuff to talk to a girl about, have frozen still in their tracks because they are not sure how to actually talk to one, or acknowledge one. The trick is something that I can’t expound enough; a little belief in yourself. Confidence. That’s the key

Most guys over think things though, and try to cram too much into a smile. Obviously, your smile shouldn’t say, “Hey baby. You are one sexy mama and you should shimmy over here!” Nor should it say, “Hey. I think you’re cute and I was wondering if you wanted to come and hang out and have a chat and see if we have something in common because if we do I think it’d be awesome to hang out and go somewhere some place sometime and do something because I think you’re cool and interesting.”

Try and smile at someone as if you’re saying “Hey! What’s up?” without words. Because essentially, that’s all a smile to a stranger should say. Nothing may come of it, and that’s fine. All you want to do with a smile is give her your acknowledgement and respect. She might take it on board and that’ll be that. At least you brightened someone’s day. If you’re lucky though, she’ll flash you a “Hi. Not much…” smile back. And those, my friend, are awesome!

A compliment is a great way to break the ice or strike up a conversation with someone, but again, you need to be smart about it. You need to understand that a compliment is only good if it’s sincere. Don’t make stupid, back-handed sarcastic ones. And it can’t be too superficial either. So you think she’s cute or pretty. Of course you do, that’s why you’ve noticed her. Just stop and try not to be really shallow about it — what is it about her that you like? Try and work it out, but don’t blatantly stare while you do so, because you’ll look like a creep. It’s a delicate balance, I know, but it’s something we all need to learn: a general compliment will make you sound like Johnny Everyguy, and she’s heard all that before. Say something really specific or weird and you’re a creep that she’ll be telling her friends about over coffee tomorrow.

So if you find yourself noticing a girl some place and you want to be a gentleman about it, quickly ask yourself why you’ve noticed her. Maybe she’s got a button or a tee from an obscure band you like. Is she sitting at a table and reading your favorite magazine. Perhaps she’s just ordered that weird cocktail that it seems no one else but you like at your favorite bar. Or maybe you love her laugh and just had to talk to her. Something not so shallow, a little different, but most importantly, honest. That’s what you’re aiming for here. And that’s what’ll set you apart from the fifty other guys that have already stared at her boobs tonight, telling her she has a pretty “smile”

Keep things positive: I mentioned above the ‘back-handed compliment’. Girls reading this will know what this is. I see and hear guys do these all the time, and I don’t for the life of me understand it. A guy will be interested in a girl, strike up a conversation and all is fine. But suddenly it’s like the 10-year-old inside of him takes over and he’s pulling the cute girl’s pigtails again — making sarcastic comments, saying negative things to ‘playfully tease’ the girl, flirting with their friends to ‘play hard to get’ (which can work sometimes, but a lot of the times you come of as someone that just likes to flirt), sending mixed messages or just generally saying things that could be taken a number of ways. I don’t get it, and I’m sure most girls don’t want to play these games. So stop it.

Keeping the gentleman flowing: Okay, so you’ve embraced your inner White Knight. She can see the nice guy you are and now you don’t want to mess it up. What do you do next?
Nothing, that’s what! Come on, this stuff is really easy and SHOULD be coming naturally for you. Maybe you’ve just regressed into Caveman Mode, forgotten it all and gone over to the Dark Side. Well, bring yourself back to the light: it just boils down to being respectful. If going out on a date, pick the girl up or at least make sure you’re on time to meet her wherever you’re going. Let her sit first, or be extra courteous and pull out her chair to let her sit. Let her order first, engage in some appropriate conversation, listen to what she says, don’t start eating until you both have your meals, and make sure she’s comfortable and content throughout the meal. Obvious, huh?

And even if you have fallen for a girl who’s really switched on to the modern, PC way of life you can still be a gentleman. There’s such a good balance between males and females these days that we’re lucky to be part of, but most guys seem to take advantage of. For example, splitting a bill was frowned upon back in the fifties and most people go dutch these days. But it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t offer to pay. It’s just manners. Politeness. A great gesture. It’ll make her feel special. Just make sure it’s not an empty gesture. Because there’s nothing worse than that, and it’s game over well and truly if you’re found out to be a snake.

Check the cavemen at the door: This isn’t supposed to be a ‘how to talk to girls’ article though. My main point is that the more masculine half of the population used to be far nicer and respectful. I mean, what the hell happened? I’m not saying times are back to the point where you should take off your cloak and lay it in the mud to save a girl’s shoes. But the old lady on the metro just made me realize what the world is like right now. And frankly, I felt ashamed of every person that had just stood and watched her. Don’t discriminate either, if the old lady had been a blonde haired, large chested lass dragging a shopping cart onto a tram, suddenly every guy there would’ve been Don Juan reincarnated.

Why do you have to be interested in someone to be a gentleman? People say that guys will do anything for a pretty face, and isn't that the truth. For shame, boys! That’s not how it should be at all. So I issue you a challenge: treat everyone the same and be a polite gentleman anyway — even if it’s just for the sake of being nice. Do at least one good deed a day, to anyone, anytime. In fact, do a million good deeds.

Seriously, do it! I dare you

There’s nothing wrong with being nice to a stranger. I admit, times have changed since the old days when your parents were young, polite bucks and Boy Scouts were helping old grannies to cross the street. ‘Stranger danger’ is rife in everyone’s attitudes, and sometimes someone won’t even appreciate your efforts to be nice.

But that shouldn’t mean you keep to yourself and only interact with those you know, running in the same old circles. Where’s the fun in that?! A while ago, I made friends with a girl who was in the same class (back in the college days). I’d seen her all over campus a few times, and one time she had a heap of bags full of books and notepads. When we got off, I offered to help her out since my hands were empty and we were heading the same way. Nothing suspicious, no hidden motives – it was just a nice gesture. And she appreciated it. I was just someone who’d offered to help her out. And from that came a great new friendship.

I’m not a student any more, but we do catch up from time to time, and she’s got some awesome friends who I now count as my friends too. And it all started from a mere compliment and a nice gesture.

These are just the basics…I won’t get into the large pedigree of etiquette that has been engrained in my head…and which I generally ignore myself (I don’t always wear only A-line skirts). But this will help you get the advantage in getting that cute girl that you would like to know more about.
Good Luck!

Learning to let go:
In these times that we live in, the challenge of just getting through the day has made our relationships increasingly complicated. Breaking up with anyone in these relationship is never easy. Well kinda. If you don’t care about the person, then it is pretty easy because the lack of emotion towards that person gives you an edge. However, if you do have at least some respect for that person, ending a relationship is arduous to say the least. I was looking through my journals and photos of yesteryears and read all the trials I had in the past. Sometimes it’s painful to look back, but most of the time I don’t think I’d have changed a thing. But I really could have dealt with some situations in a better way, or could have healed myself faster.

The stages of a breakup:

Stage one: The initial break up process can include fits of crying, a great sense of loss, worry, anxiety and rage. There could be a thousand unanswered questions about what exactly led to the breakup. Past events and situations, either positive or negative, can be obsessed over. Guilt and blame are felt by both partners, no matter who initiated the breakup. Sometimes, if the relationship was torturous and difficult, there may be a sense of emotional liberation and relief.

Stage two: Once the first stage has passed, acceptance of the situation sets in, and gradually you become accustomed to the changed circumstances. You begin to focus on new concerns aside from the emotional turmoil that a break up can cause. The social circle that used to include both partners as a couple can shrink, and formerly mutual friends may drift away. This is…unfortunately going to happen. You can never have really “mutual” friends, that friend is always more loyal to one person or another. When you break up and that friend becomes distant, just back off, chances are you’ve been passed over for the other one. And don’t take offense, admit it, you’ve done it too.

Stage three: Recovery. You’ve accepted, and you’re moving on. You begin to actively reorganize your life and forge ahead into the future. You make new friends, set new goals and become more involved with yourself and your friends.

Personal Recipes and tips to survive a breakup:
Everyone is different I know this, but I go through my own series of rituals that ensure a quick and speedy recovery…for me. I don’t know if they work for everyone, but I’ve come to the conclusion that they are general sweeping points and can help others out too.

Communication: I’m a bit of no contact person, once someone is out of my life… I want them out. But some people like to keep in contact with their exes. I have a few tips for this. If you feel like you need to talk about what happened, talk about the problem(s) directly, without subtle accusations or reading between the lines. It’s also critical to avoid unnecessary arguments. Learn to forgive and accept that your ex has changed, and that now is not the time to try to change them into something you want. It’s normal for these conversations to be difficult, but don’t let the other get the best of you.

Journal: I write down everything. My disappointments, my fantasies and my feelings. Although it may seem superficial, every little detail helps. They make a great read later on in the future when you’ve settled and you can see how much you’ve grown.

Guilt: Don’t blame yourself for the breakup. Neither you nor your ex are solely to blame. Relationships change, and people do too.

Phone calls and pleas: This falls of course into communication but I think it deserves a section of its own. 75% of divorces in the US are one-sided. Unrequited love needs to be managed very carefully. If you’re the one being abandoned, no matter how many pleas you give to entice that person to stay will never change that person’s mind if they truly don’t want to stay. If you are the one leaving the relationship, your ex may call you, but you must be firm in your decision.

Change your routine: Lots of couples develop routines or patterns, now is the time to stop it. It’ll help you get over the relationship, and if the habits never really suited you, you can start afresh.

No Drama: Once the separation has become a reality, try to avoid bringing up old conflicts. Dramas, fruitless fighting, and arguing serve no purpose.

Being alone: Don’t resist spending time alone. Enjoy it. A person who knows how to be happy alone will be able to be happy in a new relationship. Do exactly as you please.

Friends: I can’t tell you how important they are. Usually, the friends of a couple decide for themselves which partner they will remain friends with. This doesn’t usually have anything to do with which person they think is right or why the pair separated. The friends of both partners will gravitate towards the person they feel the most affinity with. Never try to win over mutual friends. Those that stay with you are your sidekicks and it’s important to never let them go and be there for them too.

Sex:When you find that you are ready for some physical contact, try not to confuse the need for affection with the need for sex. You don’t want to end up disappointed, but let yourself enjoy sex. Give yourself permission to experience new sensations and express love in different ways.

Delicious extras:
Go out: You're single…why the hell not?

Take a road trip: Despite what you’ve seen in the movies, you don’t have to kill your ex-lover to go on a road trip. Just wanting to kill your ex is enough. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, depressed, crazy, bored, exhausted or all of the above, then hit the road. Road tripping (especially with friends) is like the ultimate brain douche that clears your head and leaves you feeling fresh. It gives you the chance to recreate yourself at any stop and to really find about who you are.

Date yourself: Hey think of all the benefits of this one! You never have to worry about the other person being asleep, or not in the mood. Never liking what you like, and never anxious or boring. How to start? Well ask yourself out on a luscious date, it’s a absolute yes so don’t be nervous. Wine and dine yourself in front of a mirror and tell yourself how ravishing you are, then…since you know you’re going to bed with yourself, seduce seduce seduce! If you need cuddle time afterwards whispered sweet nothings and then turn around really fast to catch it in the other ear