The future first ladies

*first let me note that this is not a political statement. It's just something for people to read and enjoy. Not to be taken seriously. So for those of you that will complain to me....go away, because you should have read this first paragraph* *Plus thanks to GQ, CNN, Glamour, and YouTube*

Everyone was afraid of Teresa Heinz Kerry being the next first lady…and to be honest I was too. Not that I’ve ever met her personally, but I know generally the outlook of Latin women. But she is a thing of the past now, and you can now go back into the water. But keep careful look out for the next Superorder Selachimorpha. They are lurking in there. Secret marriages, pierced tongues, enormous boobs spilling Janet-Jackson style out of ball gowns, pill popping, scene stealing, and bible thumping, scripture quoting shouts…this is a look at the next wife of the nation (I will also include past ones). Note that I’ve excluded a particular husband…I think you know enough about him. I give a nod of courtesy to Laura Bush: we had no idea how lucky we were to have you.

Mitt Romney

Wife: Ann Romney b.1949
Kids: five (seemingly flawless) sons—Tagg, Ben, Matt, Craig, and Josh
Possible reason for divorce: please.
Where they met: in elementary school. Stated dating when she was 15 and he was 18
Wooing technique: when Mitt went off to Stanford (and later; on his mission to France_, his father took her every week to church. She converted. How sweet.
Resume: Special Liaison to Massachusetts’s faith based organizations
Hotness factor: Not bad at all…in that Mormony way
Best indicator what she’d be like as first lady: Didn’t flinch when he strapped the family’s Irish setter to the top of the station wagon for a 12 hour road trip.
What he says about her: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
What she says about him: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Defining moment: um…still waiting

Barrack Obama

Wife: Michelle Obama b.1964
Kids: Two girls-Malia and Sasha
How they met: when he was an underling at the Chicago law firm where she worked
Best indicator of what she’d be like as first lady:
He was her underling at that Chicago law firm.
First date: Art Institute and a Spike Lee movie, Do the Right Thing. He later recalled that she allowed him to….*gasp* touch her knee!
What he did for love: She told him he couldn’t run for president unless he stopped smoking.
What he says about her: Introduces her as “the biggest star in the Obama family”.
What she says about him: “Any black guy who spent his formative years on an island had to be a little nerdy, and a little strange”.
Personal style: Chic and sophisticated. Claims to still shop at Target. Not likely.
Hotness factor: Fierce!
Possible reason for future divorce: Let’s see him try it.

John McCain:

Wife #1: Carol Shepp b. 1938
Married 1965-1980
Kids: Three. Adopted two children from her previous marriage, then had a daughter, Sidney.
Reason for Divorce: While still living with Carol-and a decade after a near fatal car accident left her disabled-McCain began chasing 25 year old Cindy Hensley, the heiress to a beer fortune.
How she feels today: for some reason, she continues to back him in his campaigns
Hotness factor: She’s a former model….come on!
What she says about him: I’m crazy about John, and I love him to pieces.
What he says about her: All good things. Has acknowledged that his numerous affairs broke up the marriage

Wife #2:

Cindy Hensley McCain b. 1954
Kids: Four-Meghan, Jack Jimmy and Bridget (adopted in Bangladesh)
Resume: Runs Hensley & Co. one of the largest beer distributors in the country (founded by Daddy).
Defining moment: Admitted in 1994 that she was addicted to Percocet and Civodin-and had stolen the drugs from a charity she worked for.
Teflon factor: suffered a stroke in 2004
Hotness factor: Leggy, pretty nice bod for a woman with so many kids, could be a natural blond.
Style: Pre-drug thing: Had Arizona sass and a punky-spunky hairdo. Post drug thing: ice-cream colored pantsuits and tinted pearls to match.
What she says about him: “There’s no temper”
What he says about her: “I should be able to raise my own money, not dip into my wife’s assets”
Possible reason for future divorce: “I should be able to raise my own money…not dip into my wife’s assets”

John Edwards

Wife: Elizabeth Edwards b.1949
Kids: Four. (Eldest son deceased; had youngest two while pushing 50.)
Resume: Superlawyer, supermom, superwife, super super super…..
Defining moment: Announcing she had cancer two days after the ’04 election
Second defining moment: Finding out the cancer returned in ’07 and was inoperable-and insisting that her husband stay in the race.
Defining moment, noncancer category: Calling the Chris Mathews show to chastise Ann coulter for calling her husband ‘a faggot’
Ballsiest moment: Calling Hillary joyless
Most disappointing moment: Calling Hillary to apologize for calling her joyless
Teflon factor: Huge.
What she says about him: “What I am is a sounding board for John…I’m a true believer in the chain of command.”
What he says about her: “I’ve been in love with the same woman for 30+ years, and as anybody who’s been around us knows, she’s an extraordinary human being-warm, loving, beautiful, sexy, and as good a person as I have ever known”
Hotness factor: Well she did say she fractured that rib when john “squeezed” her too tightly
Personal style: Dress Barn, but she can get away with it.
Best indicator of what she’d be like as first lady: Still shops at Dress Barn
Possible reason for future divorce: None. Well, unless the rumors about the affair and the love child ever prove true, in which case….

Mike Huckabee

Wife: Janet Huckabee b.1955
How they met: In elementary school Got married when they were 18
Kids: Three-John mark, David, and Sarah.
Resume: Ran for secretary of state in Arkansas when hubby was up for reelection as governor, in 2002. He won, she lost.
Defining moment: At a tea party in South Carolina, told CNN that she knows how to lob a grenade-and is a great shot
Best indication of what she’d be like as first lady: When the Huckabees moved from the governor’s mansion to a new house in Little Rock in 2006, they appeared on registries for housewarming gifts at Target and Dillard’s.
Personal Style: Were registered for 24 place setting of Lenox Holiday Nouveau china and the Jack LaLanne’s Power Juicer
What he says about her: “She’s jumped out of airplanes-and my wife is unique…she’s bungee jumped…she’s flown in F-16’s…she just loves that kind of stuff”
What she says about him: “……..”
Hotness factor: Looks a lot like a woman who would register for the Holiday Nouveau china
Possible reason for future divorce: Hell freezes over

Enjoy Super Tuesday!