Good morning to you all. I am trying to be very good on the updating regular scheme, and getting back to all your emails and replying as much as I can. So in response to a gathering of emails that I received the other day, I'm making today "wake up romantic Tuesday". What is on today's menu? well now, you'll just have to see now won't you?
"I'm a nice guy that treats women well, and I wouldn't say I'm necessarily hideous. But can somebody explain to me why, for the sake of all nice guys, women keep dating these jerks?"
Oh boy, let me tell you. This one is tough and I get a lot of emails about it and I've written a few articles on the topic before. (They're all labeled under advice if you like). But I'll take a shot at explaining what I call the K-Fed Syndrome. Remember when Brittany spears was a symbol...and seemingly normal? Well, what the hell was it with Kevin Federline? After that I think everything went downhill from there. Anyway, I digress. K-Fed Syndrome...when a normal girl dates an asshole.
The best way to describe it is to use a story. Last week I went out to happy hour with my friend Rachel. I hadn't seen her in a while, so I didn't mind at all that she wanted to bring her boyfriend to drinks. The first thing she told me about him was "He's not as bad as he seems". Talk about an endorsement. When we walked into her apt, I saw this moderately good looking guy sitting on the couch. He rolled his eyeballs toward me, rolled them around my body, and then rolled them back toward the football game rerun on ESPN2. He reminded me of an annoying teenage boy. Throughout all of chatting and catching up, Rachel would do all these things for him, practically mother him. He complained he was hungry and when dinner was going to be. So to keep him busy while we drank our wine she brought him over a bowl of tortilla chips, salsa and chicken wings, and he responded with: "That's it?", and then eat it angrily. While it was nice to see her again, it was a pain to see her with someone like him, and the more I thought about Teenager Man on the train ride home, the more pissed off I got, because Stephanie isn't the only woman I know who gravitates towards dickweeds. I'll admit, I've been the one that has done this in the past. I have dated some people who, at the time were the apples of my eyes, but were probably not the best choice.
I used to date a rich guy, who came from a really rich family. He made sure that at least half of our conversations were about him, and how he has more talent in his little finger than anyone else we knew had in their entire body. At the time, I'm not sure he even knew what I did in my free time, or what I liked. Then there's my friend Mary, who's gorgeous, and her boyfriend seems to ogle every female in the room except her.
In all these cases, my friends have been in their relationships for so long that they don't even realize they're dating down. By this I don't mean dating a guy who's less successful- a woman could earn quadruple her guy's income and as long as he treats her well, I'm all for it. But if you've ever said what Rachel said to me recently - I just have to learn not to expect so much, emotionally- you are in danger. If you make excuses for him like I guess I wouldn't want a guy who's too romantic, and you're a romantic at heart, then you're dating down.
I've tried to understand this, and I went through all my memories of past relationships. I even asked lots of friends to get their input, and I can only say that it's the very smart, capable women who are moderately successful that date down precisely because they're used to being successful. I'll quote someone: "I just figure I can turn any bad situation around by trying harder. It's a vicious cycle: Once you date a few bad apples, you come to think that's all you can expect. You get demoralized, and that just attracts more of the wrong kind".
This is what I've got to say: no...you are not supposed to want to FIX the person that you date. Sure change is good, and it's inevitable in a couple, but stop trying to fix someone. Also, remember relationships aren't supposed to suck. They are hard, and they need constant work. But they are not supposed to downright suck. You deserve to be loved, to be paid attention to, to gaze across the room, see your boyfriend and think God, am I lucky to be with that guy, and know that he's thinking the same thing about you. If you ever feel like you're not getting that out of your relationship; that mutual happiness then it's time to get out.
As I write this one of my friends, relates to me his experience with having been the loser boyfriend. "When I was dating Alison, I still had some growing up to do. One night she was trying to talk about how our relationship might be more satisfying for both of us if we communicated better. And I actually asked her, 'Can we talk about this during the commercials? 24's on now'. I wanted the sex and the companionship that came with having a girlfriend- but not the work. I wish now that Alison had told me to go home and watch my own TV, but instead she sighed and said, 'Ok'. While my behavior was never her fault, she might have been surprised at what a good kick in the ass would have done for me. Luckily the next few women I dated gave me just that, and I shaped up considerably. That's why I say to any girl, my future girlfriend included: if you want me to be an excellent boyfriend, accept nothing less".
Now while this is all very very moving, and empowering...I encourage you all to stop before you go on a power pout. Think about what you want and what is achievable. It's great if men could become godlike, but they aren't gods...and it's unfair to want them to be. If you're with a good guy now, and say he doesn't get to see you all the time, be sure you tell him, but remember that he's trying his best probably. Decent guys will try to make improvements but they can't accomplish Herculean efforts. Sure you can always find prettier, handsomer, skinnier, sexier, wiser, richer, younger or zippier. But more often than not, one might learn the most, laugh the loudest, and smile the widest with those they've already found, especially when they stop looking elsewhere. And guys, remember the same goes for you. Follow the greatest rule: do to others, what you'd like to be done to you.
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