How to survive a conference

Hello everyone, well…first let me apologize for not updating on Monday. I know a few of you were concerned/upset/whatever because I have a full in box this morning. I will not be posting a weekend review this week because…well…I didn’t have a weekend. Part of working in the real world is that you give up a portion of your free time when the powers that be call for it. So this weekend, I had to give up all my regular (and irregular) adventures, and stretch my work week. My company had one of their large conferences in the city and I had to go stay at a hotel with the rest of my coworkers for the entire weekend. I had no weekend, and actually yesterday when I left the hotel, it was the first time I had stepped outside since Friday. Pretty sad huh? My schedule basically started at 5 and continued till around 10 at night, and I was kept busy the whole time. So in view of this I have decided to save some of you the hassle out there of wondering what to do the next time your company has a conference

How to survive a conference with at least some of your sanity:
I am an experienced conferencer (yes that’s a word I made up right then). Everyone one is. In a sick way, meeting up with some family (and friends) is very much like going to a conference. You have the usual chit chat about what you’re doing and how you’re getting along, combined with the more difficult questions like: who you’re going to vote for? The way that they talk is really not that much different than coworker-x from x. they really don’t care because you’re there to do something else, which is pretend that you’re a functioning working group. So inside everyone is a little survivor, but here are my personal tips anyway.

First figure out what everyone really wants.
Your boss wants you to do as much of his/her work as possible without giving you any credit or overtime pay, while your boss’s boss wants to see everyone suffer for the bottom line-don’t let this power player see you having fun. Generally the mail intern (or clerk) wants some respect and some action, while the receptionist wants to firebomb the telephone. The clients want you to hold their hands, suck their thumbs, feed them, burp them, and put them to bed- for 30% less than your initial estimate. And last but most importantly you want to get ahead without loosing your mind of self-respect. This is a good start.

Identify your conference enemies and make a game plan.
Generally speaking these are just the office enemies, but always they amplify during the conference times. Every office has them, and it’s best to avoid them during the whole conference, but sometimes…you can’t…because they happen to be (or be one of) your boss(es).

The Ass kisser
Identifying marks: syrupy smile and brown nose
Agenda: maker everyone else feel good and herself look good
Hidden agenda: make herself feel good and everyone else look bad
Her game: act like the perfect employee only in front of the boss
Your game plan: I spy. Use a hidden recorder, tape or video, to capture the real her. Then anonymously play it back on your boss’s voicemail or leave it cued up on the office VCR

The Buzz killer
Identifying marks: Wagging finger and a mug I told you so grin
Agenda: I want to protect you from getting in trouble
Hidden agenda: I want to protect myself from see3ing anyone have fun doing things I don’t have the guts to do
Her game: Guilts you into playing by her rules
Your game plan: Be a bad influence, she just hasn't turned to the dark side yet

The Bitch
Identifying marks: A sharp tongue and two faces that are pretty enough to let her get away with being mean
Agenda: I don’t care who I step on on my way to the top
Hidden agenda: I don’t care who I step on on my way to the top
Her game: I’m not being critical; I’m helping you become a better person
Your game plan: Dish it back as hard and as fast as it comes (if you show her you’re not intimidated you’ll let the air out of her bitch tire)

The Manic oppressive
Identifying marks: Sweaty brow, beady eyes, and nervous tics. Often seen hyperventilating while running from cubicle to cubicle
Agenda: I’m doing my job, which is very important
Hidden agenda: If I add tons of drama to my job maybe I’ll feel important
Her game: Turn every project into a panic party, ride the adrenaline rush, and crash and burn in you office
Your game plan: Laugh therapy the mores stressed and panicked she acts, the more you laugh at the absurdity of her behavior, until she gets it and gets off your back

The Sweet Holy airhead
Identifying marks: Wide eyes that constantly seem to stare at the ceiling, and a very innocent voice
Agenda: I just don’t get some things, but I’m trying to understand
Hidden agenda: Get paid and not do any work by acting really clueless but be really sweet so no one can hate me for it
Her game: Whenever a big project comes up claims she doesn’t know how to do some things, despite the fact that she has done it before. And comes up with a million and one excuses, all the while being obnoxiously sweet, to not do something
Your game plan: Long term planning. When you know a project is coming hand it to her immediately. If she says she doesn’t know how to do it, just say: oh don’t worry, today will be a test and learn day. Tomorrow you’ll start on *blank*. If you give her an entire day to “figure it out”, she won’t have an excuse. Remember to keep checking in on her throughout the day.

How to deal with annoying clients/guests at your conference:
Unfortunately you’re going to have a lot of face time with the “customers” of your conference. There will be shouting, there will be cursing, there will be bitchiness in male and female form. How do you not explode? Well it just takes a sly sense of smooth talk. Remember always be pleasant about what you’re talking about, because then they won’t be able to yell at you for being mean or rude. And you come off as being really very helpful…when you’re not.

They say: You Say:

Will you get me a cup of coffee?

I would love to. At my old job I used to get it all

the time, but then I developed this nervous

twitch (I think I’m allergic to the coffee

grounds) and I spilled it allover myself and my

boss. I hope her burns are better than mine.

Would you read this form for me and highlight the best parts?
No problem. But I’m so hung over right now and I’m seeing two of you.

Could you hold onto my luggage in the closet space?
Okay, sure. But I should probably tell you I was locked in a closet for eight days as a child and small spaces give me violent flashbacks.

Where is X?

I think that they’re over there (point them in the

direction of the staff kitchen exit just as dinner is

being served).

Can I get reimbursed for (x) in my case, cookie?
Just sing, "Money Money Money"

Could you please accompany me to the Smithsonian so I don't get lost?

I don’t think that’s an effective use of my time, do you?

Finish gracefully…always:
Yes you can be a bit neurotic, but sometimes you need to tone down your own “weird” factor. That is of course if you want to keep the job that you have. But that doesn’t mean that you have to morph into the office ass-kisser to get through everything. Just remember to smile and ask a lot of questions. Most people just LOOOOVE talking about themselves, so if you get them going they’ll never stop. Then you can go into automatic mode and just tune out a bit before you feel that enough time has lapsed. At that point you wait till the right moment and say: well it’s great to *meet you/see you again/talk to you* I have to really quickly check on *dinner/the registration table/the collection box*. I hope I see you later. Really you don’t mean it, but they feel like you do, and they’ll be happy to drift off again. Simply because they’ll feel so damn good about talking to themselves, and about talking to a little person…which gives them their fix of (I’m an excellent person) dose of denial.

Well that is all for now on how to surive a conference. I'll be sure to post more as I go through more of them.