Danearys 9 to 5

How to be a Gentleman:
This morning I was on the metro along with the thousands of other 9 to 5ers, getting ready to trudge through another day, I witnessed at least a dozen strapping young men standing around idle as an old lady tried to drag her packed wheelie case down the escalators and onto the train. Totally appalled, I stood up from my seat (which, incidentally, was snapped up immediately by another selfish, slack jawed human bystander), walked past everyone and lifted the wheelie up into the train just before the doors closed on it. It took me five seconds and minimal effort, but she was so surprised and so grateful for it. Everyone around me looked at me strangely, like I was some freak of nature.

It got me thinking though — I’ve always been told that while I am on an equal playing field with men, I am still a woman and it is, in a sense, my duty to be ladylike when a man is a gentleman towards you. I remember a time when guys held doors open, said ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, and charming men gave up their seats for the elderly, a pregnant lady, or someone who just looked like they’d had a rough day.

So what the hell happened? Well, believe it or not, but my male friends actually do voice their confusion and frustration after dates or nights out with friends, about not knowing what to say to a girl or how to act to show them they are actually a genuinely nice guy. They want to be pleasant, nice, and funny but don’t want to be dismissed as just ANOTHER guy with only one thing on their mind. They want to be polite, but not offensive. In essence, they want to be a gentleman.

See, chivalry’s not dead. It just got confused. With the push of equal opportunity and political correctness, I think most guys have the right intentions. It’s really easy sometimes to offend a girl just by being polite — as stupid as that sounds. Some guys unfortunately have good intentions, but come on way too strong or don’t know how to deliver. Others only use politeness as a way to pick up chicks, thus ruining it for everyone. The remainder? Well, they’re just jerks.
So here’s my guide to being the perfect modern gentleman. I say modern, because there are several things that have since my upbringing have become outdated, or are just impractical. For example, I was always told that a gentleman stands up whenever a lady at the table stands up. While in formal settings this is still somewhat of a requirement, it is no longer something everyone does if you’re hanging out in a restaurant. It’s actually ineffectual as you can easily get in the way of the person trying to leave. So this is just a quickie guide, in the hope that everyone can exercise some of this in the real world, and foretell the comeback of nice gestures and gallantry.

First Impressions:
A gentleman takes care of his appearance. This does not mean that you have to dress in the best clothes with precise knowledge of the latest trends. It just means that you’re presentable and give the best first impression that you can give. Now you can stick to your personal style if you like, but just remember the basics: Clean teeth, Fresh Breath, groomed hair (In various orifices on your body), clean nails, deodorant, clean clothes, and healthy skin (not flaking or chapped because its dry…no one wants to kiss someone that reminds them of a leper…well unless you’re into that).
You know that amazing feeling when you’re out somewhere and a cute girl flashes you a smile? Now nothing necessarily can come from it, and she might be down the road and around the corner by the time your brain’s caught up with the rest of you. But it’s still nice to have an acknowledgement that a cute girl thinks you look nice, or dress nice, or that she digs your shoes, so you must be worth the effort. Newsflash, superstud! Girls get that same amazing feeling if you smile at them first! And it’s the simplest, easiest, cheapest nice gesture you can give.

It’s all about delivery though, and I think this is the biggest problem guys face. Girls are scary. We’re like sharks in the water, we smell fear. I can see how guys are afraid of us; especially the ones they think are cute. I know tons of guys that have loads of stuff to talk to a girl about, have frozen still in their tracks because they are not sure how to actually talk to one, or acknowledge one. The trick is something that I can’t expound enough; a little belief in yourself. Confidence. That’s the key

Most guys over think things though, and try to cram too much into a smile. Obviously, your smile shouldn’t say, “Hey baby. You are one sexy mama and you should shimmy over here!” Nor should it say, “Hey. I think you’re cute and I was wondering if you wanted to come and hang out and have a chat and see if we have something in common because if we do I think it’d be awesome to hang out and go somewhere some place sometime and do something because I think you’re cool and interesting.”

Try and smile at someone as if you’re saying “Hey! What’s up?” without words. Because essentially, that’s all a smile to a stranger should say. Nothing may come of it, and that’s fine. All you want to do with a smile is give her your acknowledgement and respect. She might take it on board and that’ll be that. At least you brightened someone’s day. If you’re lucky though, she’ll flash you a “Hi. Not much…” smile back. And those, my friend, are awesome!

A compliment is a great way to break the ice or strike up a conversation with someone, but again, you need to be smart about it. You need to understand that a compliment is only good if it’s sincere. Don’t make stupid, back-handed sarcastic ones. And it can’t be too superficial either. So you think she’s cute or pretty. Of course you do, that’s why you’ve noticed her. Just stop and try not to be really shallow about it — what is it about her that you like? Try and work it out, but don’t blatantly stare while you do so, because you’ll look like a creep. It’s a delicate balance, I know, but it’s something we all need to learn: a general compliment will make you sound like Johnny Everyguy, and she’s heard all that before. Say something really specific or weird and you’re a creep that she’ll be telling her friends about over coffee tomorrow.

So if you find yourself noticing a girl some place and you want to be a gentleman about it, quickly ask yourself why you’ve noticed her. Maybe she’s got a button or a tee from an obscure band you like. Is she sitting at a table and reading your favorite magazine. Perhaps she’s just ordered that weird cocktail that it seems no one else but you like at your favorite bar. Or maybe you love her laugh and just had to talk to her. Something not so shallow, a little different, but most importantly, honest. That’s what you’re aiming for here. And that’s what’ll set you apart from the fifty other guys that have already stared at her boobs tonight, telling her she has a pretty “smile”

Keep things positive: I mentioned above the ‘back-handed compliment’. Girls reading this will know what this is. I see and hear guys do these all the time, and I don’t for the life of me understand it. A guy will be interested in a girl, strike up a conversation and all is fine. But suddenly it’s like the 10-year-old inside of him takes over and he’s pulling the cute girl’s pigtails again — making sarcastic comments, saying negative things to ‘playfully tease’ the girl, flirting with their friends to ‘play hard to get’ (which can work sometimes, but a lot of the times you come of as someone that just likes to flirt), sending mixed messages or just generally saying things that could be taken a number of ways. I don’t get it, and I’m sure most girls don’t want to play these games. So stop it.

Keeping the gentleman flowing: Okay, so you’ve embraced your inner White Knight. She can see the nice guy you are and now you don’t want to mess it up. What do you do next?
Nothing, that’s what! Come on, this stuff is really easy and SHOULD be coming naturally for you. Maybe you’ve just regressed into Caveman Mode, forgotten it all and gone over to the Dark Side. Well, bring yourself back to the light: it just boils down to being respectful. If going out on a date, pick the girl up or at least make sure you’re on time to meet her wherever you’re going. Let her sit first, or be extra courteous and pull out her chair to let her sit. Let her order first, engage in some appropriate conversation, listen to what she says, don’t start eating until you both have your meals, and make sure she’s comfortable and content throughout the meal. Obvious, huh?

And even if you have fallen for a girl who’s really switched on to the modern, PC way of life you can still be a gentleman. There’s such a good balance between males and females these days that we’re lucky to be part of, but most guys seem to take advantage of. For example, splitting a bill was frowned upon back in the fifties and most people go dutch these days. But it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t offer to pay. It’s just manners. Politeness. A great gesture. It’ll make her feel special. Just make sure it’s not an empty gesture. Because there’s nothing worse than that, and it’s game over well and truly if you’re found out to be a snake.

Check the cavemen at the door: This isn’t supposed to be a ‘how to talk to girls’ article though. My main point is that the more masculine half of the population used to be far nicer and respectful. I mean, what the hell happened? I’m not saying times are back to the point where you should take off your cloak and lay it in the mud to save a girl’s shoes. But the old lady on the metro just made me realize what the world is like right now. And frankly, I felt ashamed of every person that had just stood and watched her. Don’t discriminate either, if the old lady had been a blonde haired, large chested lass dragging a shopping cart onto a tram, suddenly every guy there would’ve been Don Juan reincarnated.

Why do you have to be interested in someone to be a gentleman? People say that guys will do anything for a pretty face, and isn't that the truth. For shame, boys! That’s not how it should be at all. So I issue you a challenge: treat everyone the same and be a polite gentleman anyway — even if it’s just for the sake of being nice. Do at least one good deed a day, to anyone, anytime. In fact, do a million good deeds.

Seriously, do it! I dare you

There’s nothing wrong with being nice to a stranger. I admit, times have changed since the old days when your parents were young, polite bucks and Boy Scouts were helping old grannies to cross the street. ‘Stranger danger’ is rife in everyone’s attitudes, and sometimes someone won’t even appreciate your efforts to be nice.

But that shouldn’t mean you keep to yourself and only interact with those you know, running in the same old circles. Where’s the fun in that?! A while ago, I made friends with a girl who was in the same class (back in the college days). I’d seen her all over campus a few times, and one time she had a heap of bags full of books and notepads. When we got off, I offered to help her out since my hands were empty and we were heading the same way. Nothing suspicious, no hidden motives – it was just a nice gesture. And she appreciated it. I was just someone who’d offered to help her out. And from that came a great new friendship.

I’m not a student any more, but we do catch up from time to time, and she’s got some awesome friends who I now count as my friends too. And it all started from a mere compliment and a nice gesture.

These are just the basics…I won’t get into the large pedigree of etiquette that has been engrained in my head…and which I generally ignore myself (I don’t always wear only A-line skirts). But this will help you get the advantage in getting that cute girl that you would like to know more about.
Good Luck!